


The Exile

by Elise_Madrid



Series: Evolving [2]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-22
Updated: 2011-05-22
Packaged: 2017-10-19 16:41:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Madrid/pseuds/Elise_Madrid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When their relationship is revealed, Kirk and Spock must fight to build a new life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Exile

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published January, 2002 in Beyond Dreams 4.

The only light was the soft glow of the lowest setting, the only sounds wet kisses and the sliding of skin against skin. The fair-haired human lay beneath his lover, hotter than human hands trailing paths of fire down his chest and along his flank.

"Hmm, that feels good," he murmured, breaking the silence.

The gentle hands continued their caresses. "Do you like that, t'hy'la?" The soft words were whispered into the human's ear as their bodies writhed together.

A light laugh. "Oh, yeah, I like that. I like that a lot."

"Do you wish more?" Hands spread his legs as his lover pulled back and knelt between them, carrying the fire down to his groin.

"Whatever you want, love. Whatever you want."

"You. You are all I want, all I have ever wanted." The Vulcan bent forward, taking the other's cock into his mouth, laving the rigid shaft while his fingers worked their way down, seeking out the tight orifice. He buried his fingers deep, stretching and lubricating, preparing the way.

"Oh yes. Like that, just like that." He lay on his back as his soul's other half spread him open, the Vulcan's fingers thrusting in and out of his upturned buttocks.

He was so close. The hand was pulled back as his lover positioned himself to place his shaft against the puckered opening. It took little work to penetrate the already relaxed aperture, the cock finding a welcome coolness as it slid into his body.

Slowly building, the heat created by the slick friction enveloped them, losing the two men in a haze of passion. Their bodies slammed together as they climbed higher and higher, clinging to each other in a frenzy of sexual abandon.

"Now, do it now. Come with me." His hands were on the tight ass, his legs draped over the Vulcan's shoulders, as he pulled his lover hard against him, rocking the hot prod deeper into his body.

"Oh, Jim. JIM." Spock, one hand wrapped around his lover's cock, the other in the meld position on his face, was brought to the edge of forever…and over. With a loud groan he shuddered and stilled, his sounds of completion echoed by the man below him. Neither moved as the last spasms of orgasm drifted away.

"You're wonderful, did you know that?" Kirk's head was buried against the warm shoulder as Spock continued to hold him, his cock slowly slipping from the human's body….

^^^^^

"Hold on, hold on a minute." McCoy, brought abruptly out of a deep sleep by the insistent buzzing, waved up the lights. He threw on his robe, hoping this didn't mean someone was badly hurt, though why they wouldn't have just paged him was more than he could figure. His door opened to the group of men waiting impatiently.

"Dr. McCoy? Dr. Leonard McCoy?"

Security. He didn't recognize the two guards, but the third person he knew immediately. Admiral Komack was well known to anyone who was close to Jim Kirk. The animosity the admiral had held for the young captain since their diversion to Vulcan almost three years before had only grown as Kirk's fame had spread.

"Yeah, I'm McCoy. What is it? What's going on?"

The young officer looked uncomfortable, and the doctor felt a wave of sympathy. He didn't envy anyone who had the misfortune of having to deal with Komack.

"Surprise inspection of all command rank officers serving aboard the _Enterprise,_ sir." He handed over an official-looking document and stepped back, giving way as Komack came forward, looking smug.

"So why are you bothering me?" He was getting a bad feeling about this. Why would Komack need security guards for an inspection?

"Medical override, McCoy. Can't very well be a surprise inspection if the officers already know about it, now can it?" Komack didn't seem to be able to hide the satisfaction he was getting out of this. "We need to see how the officers aboard this ship comport themselves when off duty, and you're going to let us into their cabins."

"I don't think so, Admiral, sir. Medical override is for emergency use only, and I'm not about to start using it to spy on anyone." He couldn't believe that even Komack would have the nerve to try this.

"Oh, yes you will, McCoy. Unless you want to spend time in the brig, you'd better do as you're told. I've got the orders to force this. That little document you're holding is all I need." He turned and motioned to the other men. "I believe our first visit is to Commander Scott's quarters. After you, McCoy."

McCoy stared at the man, not wanting to give in but knowing that his options were limited. He scanned the document. Starfleet Command. The damned thing had been authorized by the top brass. "All right, I'm coming." He reluctantly walked down the corridor, followed by Komack and his two lackeys.

Twenty minutes later they were standing outside the first officer's quarters. Commander Scott had been pulled from his sleep and now stood next to McCoy, both still in their pajamas and robes. "I told you you wouldn't find anything, Admiral. Don't you think this has gone on long enough?" McCoy was livid. He hated being used to forward Komack's agenda, whatever it was, but neither he nor Scotty had been able to sway him. "You found nothing in Scotty's cabin. Why in the blue blazes would you think you would find anything in Mr. Spock's? He's a Vulcan, for crying out loud."

"I am perfectly aware that the commander is Vulcan. But we've been given this duty and we plan to see it through. Now get on with it, Doctor."

He punched in the override and the door to Spock's cabin swished open. They crowded in as McCoy walked over to the bed behind the privacy screen and brought the lights up. "He's not here. Probably still working on something in the lab. Can we go now?"

"Just a minute, McCoy." Komack kept looking around, as if surprised by the room's emptiness. He turned to one of the security men, noticing the man's interest was centered on the bathroom door. "What it is, Phillips? You found something?"

"No sir. I just thought I heard something coming from the facilities, sir." The young man edged over to the door, unsure how to proceed.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to check it out, won't we?" The door opened and Komack walked swiftly through, the doctor pushing ahead of the security guards to follow right behind him.

The sounds were plainly audible, the door to the connecting room wide open. McCoy paused behind Komack, who had stopped at the doorway, and looked over the admiral's shoulder into the darkened room beyond. It only took a second for McCoy's eyes to adjust to the dim light, to see the two men entangled on the bed, their bodies in motion.

 _My god. Oh, my god._ He would never forget the sight of his two friends, naked, their bodies going lax as they found sexual release, or the light laugh and words so filled with love and satisfaction that escaped Kirk's lips.

"You're wonderful, did you know that?" The soft sigh of words filtered through the room.

"Yes, well gentlemen, if you're quite through." Komack timed it perfectly, his voice booming through the cabin as he waved the lights to their highest setting, stepping aside to allow the group behind him to enter the cabin.

Spock spun around, grabbing the covers from the foot of the bed and throwing them over both of them. They sat up rigidly, too stunned to speak. Kirk stared, his gaze going from McCoy to Komack and finally settling again on McCoy. The expression of shocked betrayal totally undid the doctor. "Jim, I—"

"Never mind that, Doctor." Komack cut McCoy off, continuing to look straight at the two men. "I'm calling a hearing to meet at seven hundred hours in the briefing room, so I suggest you two start coming up with some kind of defense. You're going to need it." He smiled, unable to resist gloating. "Come, gentlemen, I think we've seen enough. Doctor, you'll be called as a witness so I expect you to have no contact with these two." He motioned for the security guards to follow as he left the room.

The four men remained frozen in place. Finally, Kirk spoke, anger slowly replacing the numbness of shock. "All right, Bones, what the hell is going on? Why did you let them in here without warning us?"

McCoy looked from one man to the other. He would never again think that Spock's face held no emotion. Without really changing, the Vulcan visage radiated a smoldering anger. His own sense of betrayal took over and, combined with the shock of his discovery, turned into a diatribe he let loose on both men. "Hey, you two, how was I supposed to know that there was anything to warn you about? And how the hell do you think I felt? Walking in here, seeing you and Spock…that way. Did it ever occur to either one of you to tell me? Hell no, why would it? You're so god damned wound up in each other. Well, you played with fire and you got burned. Don't try to blame me for that."

"McCoy, don't ye think ye'd do better to tone it down some?" Scotty pulled at McCoy's arm. "Come on. We're not supposed to stay here, anyway."

"Let go of me. I'm just getting started." He pulled away, glaring at the two lovers. "Damn it, who do you two think you are, anyway? You think the rules don't apply to you? Oh, that's right, they don't, do they? You two can do whatever you want, to hell with the rest of us. And if what you want to do is fuck the brains out of—"

"That's enough!" Kirk, naked, in bed with his lover, was totally in command. His face was ashen and his fists were clenched around the blanket, but he was still the captain. "I want you out of here, Mister. Right now."

"What's the matter, Jim? Truth too hard to handle? You afraid to hear me out?" McCoy taunted.

His eyes cold, Kirk responded in a low and smooth voice, the one his enemies had come to know to their own regret. "Since when did you become the stalwart champion of truth, McCoy? You've done some pretty good dancing around it yourself, so don't come at us with that self-righteous attitude."

"Maybe so, but not like this. Both of you pretending to be something you're not. The intergalactic playboy and the emotionless Vulcan. What a laugh."

"Neither of us is obliged to explain or apologize for our lives, Doctor. You overstep yourself," Spock interjected.

"And obviously, you've already made up your mind. So what would be the point?" Kirk added.

"The point, Captain, sir, is that I am your chief medical officer and it was your duty to tell me. And that gets back to my point. As far as you're concerned, you and your…lover here can do whatever the hell you feel like. Well, I think you're going to find it doesn't work that way."

"So obviously we'll get what ever's coming to us, is that it? You know, I assumed this would be a problem for you. I guess I never realized just how much of one. When did you become homophobic, Doctor?"

"It's not that and you know it. Quit trying to make it sound like I'm the one in the wrong here."

"Then quit trying to pretend this has anything to do with rules and regulations." Kirk rubbed his forehead, a headache erupting. "I don't need this right now. I think you'd better leave."

McCoy's anger evaporated at the obvious signs of physical pain from his friend, his innate compassion and concern taking over. He started toward the bed. "Jim, I'm so—"

"That was an order, McCoy."

"The captain wishes you to leave, Doctor. I believe it would be best if you did so. Immediately." Spock started to rise, only Kirk's hand staying him.

McCoy realized that any apology at this time would be futile. He had totally blown it, and the Vulcan was ready to take matters into his own hands. "That's all right, Mr. Spock. We're going. Come on, Scotty. Let's get out of here."

Kirk watched as the two men turned and walked out. As the door flew open, he saw the two security men posted just outside. "They're not taking any chances, are they?" The initial rush of adrenaline had dissipated and now he felt totally numb. "God damn Komack to hell."

"Admiral Komack must have had some previous knowledge of what he would find. He seemed too sure of himself for this to have been unplanned."

"You're probably right. I'd like to get my hands on whoever it was, though. It's amazing. Here we are, out in the middle of nowhere, the closest starbase days away, and the man miraculously shows up. It has to have been planned. And speaking of plans, it'd probably not be a bad idea for us to start making some of our own. It's going to take some pretty fancy footwork to get us out of this one." He turned, giving his bed mate a rueful look.

"It will be all right, t'hy'la. Whatever they do to us, I swear to you, we will be together. They cannot take that from us." Spock pulled him close, as if his embrace alone could keep all harm from his bondmate. "I will not allow it."

^^^^^

McCoy stared at his coffee as it grew cold before him. He had slept badly, and now waited as the time drew inexorably closer. The hearing was only minutes away, and he would be forced to help destroy Kirk. The scene of his two best friends making love had been constantly replaying in his mind. He didn't understand it at all. Kirk had never once given any indication that he was drawn to men. And Spock…he would have never believed it if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes. He focused as Scotty came toward him, the same look of dazed bewilderment on his face.

"Well, McCoy. What do ye think they'll do to them?" The Scot pulled up a chair and sat across from the doctor. He cradled a cup of steaming liquid between his hands. "I've heard Komack plans on pushing for a NJP."

"Oh, hell." Even McCoy knew about that. The NJP, non judicial punishment, gave the power to determine guilt or innocence to one's commanding officer. He was judge and jury. The proceeding would take any direction Komack deigned to take it. "That's just great. I've been sitting here, thinking about it, wondering how in the hell we got into this mess. Now I wonder how they plan on getting out of it."

"You dinna know then, about them? I wondered…." He trailed off. He had never been as close to the two men as McCoy was.

"Hell, no, I didn't know. Don't you think I would have done something if I had?" He ran a hand through his hair, exasperation warring with concern. "That's what made me so mad last night. Why hadn't they told me? Did they think I couldn't handle it? I keep thinking about it, and I keep coming back to the same thing. They must not have trusted me enough."

"Maybe not. It's a hard thing to tell, I'd imagine. The captain and Mr. Spock have always been vera private men."

"Yeah, but I thought we were closer than that. I've known Jim a long time, been with him through good times and bad. I thought I knew just about everything there was to know about the man, but this…. Another man. James T. Kirk with another man. It boggles the mind."

"It dinna take long for the news to get out. It's like the whole bloody ship knows."

"Yeah, I know. Christine hit me up this morning. I had a hell of a time with her. She's acting really weird, and I felt like a real heel pretending I didn't know anything. We're not supposed to talk about it, but everyone knows." He looked at the chronometer and shook his head. "Looks like it's time to go. Damn, I've never felt so helpless in my life." They both rose, reluctantly heading for the briefing room. "I can't help but wonder what will come of all this. It will probably destroy both their careers."

^^^^^

The two security men stopped at the entrance to their captain's cabin, turning toward the door as it opened and the captain and first officer made their appearance. Both men were in dress uniform. Medals, shiny and flashing, liberally covered their chests. "We've been ordered to escort you and Mr. Spock to the briefing room, sir."

"That's fine, Phillips. Are we under arrest, too?"

"No, sir. Not at this time. However, Admiral Komack has insisted that both of you be kept under 'surveillance,' sir."

Kirk looked askance at both men but then turned to Spock with a shrug. "I guess it was to be expected. Very well. We'll go quietly."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." He took his place behind the captain while the second security man trailed Mr. Spock.

The trip to the briefing room was difficult. Passing crew members stared and Kirk found he had to keep his eyes front. Once, he inadvertently looked right into the eyes of an ensign and the open curiosity and compassion he saw there made him falter slightly. He didn't like the idea that his crew might now know all the intimate details of his relationship with Spock, whether they approved or not. Thankfully, the corridors were mainly empty. When they reached their destination, he and Spock were directed to a table on the right.

A harried young officer impatiently sorted through the stacks of tapes splayed out on the table. He looked up as his captain and the first officer came toward him.

"Are you here to give us legal aid?" Kirk asked. Lieutenant John Cruz had been on the _Enterprise_ only a few months, but everything Kirk had heard and read about him told of an intelligent officer with a bright future. Somewhat inexperienced, though. He looked around, curiosity winning out as he and Spock took their places.

"Yes, sir. I think Admiral Komack felt it would look better if he at least pretended to give you a fair shake." Cruz watched Kirk's preoccupation with concern. "Sir, I don't mean to rush you, but we really don't have much time. He wants to get the preliminaries out of the way. If you don't mind me saying so, I think you're being railroaded. Lieutenant Carl Turner, the prosecuting attorney, is Admiral Komack's aide."

"How good is he?" Kirk looked over, taking the measure of the man who was hoping to destroy him.

Cruz's troubled expression said it all. "He's very good, sir. In fact, he's the one who came up with the charges."

"What exactly are the charges, Lieutenant?" Spock asked.

"Violation of Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice." Cruz looked slightly embarrassed. He had never represented anyone charged with this particular crime. In fact, he'd had to look it up to find out exactly what it was.

"What the hell is that?"

Spock responded this time. "Article 125 is the statute that prohibits both same gender and opposite gender oral and anal sex, regardless of whether the activity is private, between consensual adults, or even between husband and wife." He said it without inflection but the anger was there, just below the surface.

 _Leave it to Spock to have that at his fingertips._ Kirk's face blazed at the implications. "Damn, I thought they were after us on some fraternization charge. I've never even heard of this…Article 125."

"It's very old, sir. It's a throwback to English common law. For some strange reason it was never removed from the books and somehow found its way into Starfleet regulations. I don't think it's been used for centuries. I certainly didn't expect it."

"How in the hell can something like this still exist? It's the twenty-third century, for god's sake. Spock?" Kirk turned to his first officer.

"I am not certain. Possibly because there are so few non-Terrans in Starfleet, its rules and regulations were not as stringently examined by the other members of the Federation. I was made aware of it only after perusing Starfleet's entire charter last night."

"Can you get us off?" Kirk turned back to the lawyer, feeling suddenly unsure. How would they fight something like this? Komack had gone to a lot of trouble to set this up, to bring him down.

"Truthfully, I'm not sure. Komack's made this look like a trial, but it's not much more than a formality. The NJP gives him the authority to pretty much go however he chooses. He could make a decision on your guilt or innocence right here and now if he wanted. He told me he'd hear you out first, but there's no way to tell what he plans after that. I'd like to think I can keep either of you from doing time, but I can't guarantee that. I'm sorry." Cruz turned as Komack walked in, almost strutting towards the front of the room and the table and chair set up there. "Let's just get through the preliminary hearing. We can discuss everything else later."

Prison time. That hadn't even occurred to him. Kirk glanced over at his lover as they took their seats. The uncertainty he felt vanished as he looked into the eyes of his bondmate. To hell with them. He grabbed Spock's hand under the table. They were in this together.

^^^^^

Kirk sat at his desk, his head resting on his arms. The first day of the NJP was over and, more than likely, so were his and Spock's careers. That bastard Turner had given a detailed description of what Komack and the others had seen, embellishing his statements with a contrived righteous indignation. Kirk had never been so humiliated in his life. And if they hadn't been under arrest before, they were now. Even visitors were restricted, their only outside contact Lieutenant Cruz. "So, what do we do now?"

Spock rose from his place opposite him and came around to kneel beside his lover. "It is not over, Jim. We do not yet know what the outcome will be."

Kirk's head came up, anger and pain in his eyes. "Don't we, Spock? They're going to throw the book at us. If you think for a minute they're not going to—"

"I understand that.. But that does not mean we will lose."

"Come on. Spock. You don't actually imagine that they don't have everything already worked out, do you?" He got up, moving brusquely away from the Vulcan.  
Spock rose and came up behind the rigid human. "There are always—"

"Possibilities. Yeah, I know." Kirk turned to face his bondmate. "Doesn't it bother you at all? They took what we have and turned it into something dirty. And now they want to imprison us for it."

"I will not allow that. They will never—"

"Don't count on it. Damn it, Spock, we could both end up behind bars. We have to do something, figure out a way to fight back." He started pacing the room, his anger building.

"Jim, we must wait until all legal avenues have been explored. Until then, all we can do is wait."

"That could take years. I can't wait that long. I won't." He stopped pacing, standing before the Vulcan. "Komack holds all the cards. With the NJP he's effectively slammed the door shut on just about any recourse we might have had. He's not going to let us get away."

"You do not know that."

"Yes. I do." Kirk walked over to the desk, scanning over the mementos collected there of a meteoric career. He picked up the small paperweight of crystal sitting near the edge, studying the delicate figure of a sailing ship trapped within. "I feel like this. Locked in."

"You must not give up hope. We will find a way—" The shattering of glass against the bulkhead behind him stunned the Vulcan into silence. The small ship skittered across the floor and came to rest near his foot.

"God damn it, aren't you listening to me?" Kirk's face was a livid red, his whole body shaking from the rage barely kept in check. "They're trying to destroy us!"

Spock's voice was tight. "Jim, please."

"What? _What?"_

"I can not give in to this. I will not. Do you not understand what you are asking of me?"

Kirk closed his eyes and willed himself back from his anger. He took a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds before slowly releasing it and walking over to take his lover in a protective embrace. He understood how much Spock feared losing complete control, and how much his own anger must be affecting his bondmate's struggle. "I'm sorry, Spock. I'll try to remain calm, but I don't know how long I can. Everything inside is screaming for me to do something, anything."

Spock tightly returned the embrace. "Believe me when I say I will never let them hold us. Whatever must be done, will be done. I vow to you, we will be free."

^^^^^

It was the third day of the NJP and their situation was looking worse all the time. It was turning into a kangaroo court, with all of Cruz' objections being summarily dismissed. Turner's tactics, on the other hand, were getting more and more outrageous. Any little sign that had passed between the two men over the years of their friendship was being used to further undermine their integrity and honor.

"When did you first notice a change in the way Captain Kirk related to Mr. Spock?" Lieutenant Turner had begun grilling the witnesses immediately, McCoy having the misfortune to be called first.

"I'm not sure what you mean." The doctor frowned, perplexed at the line of questioning.

"When did the captain first begin to treat Mr. Spock with more than professional courtesy?"

"Well, they've been friends for a long time. Years."

"But Captain Kirk treated Mr. Spock with more than friendly interest, did he not? Didn't he in fact tend to bend the rules for him? Go out of his way to make him content, make him…happy?" Turner almost leered the word out.

"The captain treats everyone equally. If he did anything for Spock it was as a friend, that's all."

"Friend? Does a 'friend' go against orders, just so his 'friend' can take leave wherever he wishes? Does a 'friend' endanger the entire ship in order to save one man?"

"That's the way Jim is!" McCoy flared out. "He would have done that for anyone."  
"Anyone, Doctor? I think Lieutenant Commander Finney might disagree with you. You recall that little episode, don't you?"

The doctor eyed Turner warily. "Yes."

"Captain Kirk was unaware that Finney was out of the pod during the ion storm, but he jettisoned it anyway."

"He was required to."

"That's right. To ensure the safety of the ship. But wouldn't using the tractor beams to hold a shuttlecraft during an explosion be a danger to the ship?"

"I…I don't know. That was a different situation."

"Different situation? Don't you mean that Captain Kirk's actions when Mr. Spock was involved were different than with anyone else?"

McCoy groped for an answer, trapped between the truth and his own feelings about the matter. "I…no…I don't know."

Suddenly, having made his point, Turner changed his line of questioning. "So, Dr. McCoy, you were aware that the captain and first officer were having a clandestine affair?"

"I…no, I didn't know." McCoy looked at Kirk, his eyes filled with regret.

"Describe to us exactly what you saw when you entered their cabin four nights ago at approximately two hundred hours."

"It was dark. I can't say what I saw…exactly." He was getting angry. This young whippersnapper was going to do everything he could to degrade the captain and Spock.

"You do know the penalty for perjury, don't you, Doctor?" Turner asked, pointedly.

McCoy didn't know what to say. Either way, he lost. "All right…we walked in…."

^^^^^

The proceedings were recessed for the day, and Kirk had never been more relieved to get back to his cabin. He paced the room, though his attention was directly focused on the young attorney standing across the desk from Spock. "Things don't look like they're going to go our way, do they?"

Cruz shook his head. "I don't know what else to do, Captain. Every time I've tried to get them to disallow evidence or withdraw a witness, I've hit a brick wall. It's really beginning to look like they're going to get away with this."

Spock, sitting at the computer, turned to rejoin the conversation when his lover came up next to him. "What is the worst case scenario, Lieutenant?"

"Worst case? Worst case is a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances and confinement for five years." Cruz looked at both his clients. "I'm afraid that's what they're going to try for, too."

"Five years? Are you kidding?" Kirk stared at their lawyer. "That's crazy. What kind of insane system is this? All we did was love each other, and they want to imprison us for five years?" He rubbed his forehead, the headache that had taken up residence there since the beginning of the hearing getting steadily worse. "How much longer do you think this will go on?"

"Not more than another day, I'd think. Turner knows he has us over a barrel. I'm sorry Captain, Commander. I don't know what else to do." He started stuffing discs into his briefcase. "You can always try to appeal. In fact, I don't understand why this didn't go to a Courts Martial. But with no one else here of high enough rank to push…." He shrugged. "Maybe given time…."

"And in the meantime? They'll have us behind bars so fast…I'm not sticking around for that. If they find us guilty, we'll be out of here—"

"Jim." Spock stood, grabbing Kirk's shoulders. "Do not say that. The lieutenant does not need the extra pressure of wondering if we plan to flee."

"I'm not going to jail, Spock. I won't let them send _you_ to jail. Can you imagine what would happen to us in there? No. I won't do it, god damn it, I won't."

"T'hy'la, do not give up hope. Please, Jim, promise me you will do nothing without telling me. Please."

Kirk's body trembled as he held on to the Vulcan, the anger so all-pervasive that it was taking over his ability to remain calm. He took a deep breath, fighting to bring himself under control. Finally he straightened and pulled out of Spock's hold and walked away to stand across the room, alone. "I'm sorry, both of you. I guess I'm just letting it get to me. I'll be okay."

"I'm glad to hear it. I really don't need you going off like that, Captain." Cruz finished gathering his things. "I'll leave you two alone. I've got a feeling they're going to wrap up pretty quick now. You'd better be ready for whatever Komack decides to do."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Cruz. We will be ready." The door closed behind the lawyer, leaving them alone. Spock looked over at his bondmate. "Are you all right now, Jim?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Kirk's breathing was shaky but his pallor had improved. "I guess I made a total ass of myself, didn't I?" He shook his head. "I've never done that before, just completely lost it like that. I think this inactivity is finally getting to me."

"The cause was sufficient. You are used to being in control. And the waiting is difficult."

Kirk stared hard at his lover. "I know what I promised, Spock. But I'm not waiting much longer."

^^^^^

Kirk looked with dismay at the sea of bodies packed into the small room as he and Spock stood at the doorway, their guards behind them. Scuttlebutt on the ship was that today was the day, and anyone who could had found a way to be present for the verdict. The entire first shift bridge crew was there, filling the front row of the spectator's seats. Through the whole ordeal, they had managed to show their support. Though unable to visit, they had left notes, or small gifts to be delivered by Cruz, almost every day.

The rest of the crew had been just as supportive. Cruz had told them of more than one problem Komack had had with his room. Cold food, supplies not replaced and messages garbled had been but a few of the glitches that had plagued the admiral. Kirk hoped their loyalty wouldn't cause problems for his crew down the road.

The look of compassion and concern on his communications officer could not go unanswered, and Kirk threw an encouraging wink at Uhura as he and his first officer started into the room.

Admiral Komack sat at the front of the room, his air of smug confidence evident as the two men were led to their table. Kirk watched him, realizing that their guilt had been a foregone conclusion. They were guilty. He had known that from the start, and had little hope that Komack would not use this as the perfect opportunity to bring them down. "We're done for."

Spock looked from Kirk to Komack and then back again. He gave a small sigh. "Perhaps you are correct. He does not have the look of a man who considers mercy a viable option."

"Where's Lieutenant Cruz?" Kirk asked, puzzled.

"It may be that Komack considers his use at an end. His role was strictly arbitrary. The admiral has held the power to condemn us from the very beginning."

The sounding of the small bell on the front table pulled their attention back to Komack. The room quieted as he dramatically cleared his throat to play out the scene for all it was worth. "Would the defendants please rise."

They rose in unison, their gazes fixed forward, looking through Komack.

The admiral remained silent, waiting for the last shuffle of bodies to still before beginning to speak.

"The duty I have been given has not been a pleasant one," Komack intoned, the hypocrisy of the statement almost making Kirk gag. "Nevertheless, I have struggled to fulfill it, keeping in mind the past records of the two men involved. Captain Kirk and Commander Spock have each had commendable records up until now, their careers filled with the advancements and commendations that attest to their exemplary and loyal service to Starfleet."

Komack looked around at his captive audience. "If I had been told that either man would be capable of so openly defying the rules that govern this most hallowed institution, I would not have believed it. That these two men, who have been used as shining examples of Starfleet at its finest, would ever contemplate besmirching the honor and reputation of the organization that has given them so much was unthinkable. To learn that it was true has been a heavy blow. Not only to myself, but to you, the men and women who have served under them. The conduct they have chosen to pursue, the depths of depravity to which they have sunk, can only be dealt with in one way." He took a deep breath.

"Here it comes," Kirk whispered.

"It is with a heavy heart that I must find the defendants, Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock, guilty of the crime of which they have been accused."

Kirk looked down. Who would have thought that something so expected could still hurt so much?

^^^^^

McCoy stood in front of the cabin door, ignoring the security guards posted there. In the two days since the end of the trial he hadn't seen Kirk or Spock. It had taken him that long to persuade Komack to let him see them. He had played fast and loose with the truth, implying that they needed his services, because he needed to talk to them, especially Jim. He couldn't let things continue the way they were. Taking a deep breath, he held it for a few seconds and then pushed the signal for entrance, entering Kirk's cabin as the door slid open.

"What is it you wish, Doctor?" Spock rose from his position in front of the computer.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. Both of you."

Spock gave him a disbelieving look. "Surely you jest, McCoy. You made your feelings concerning us quite clear. I do not see that expounding on them further will benefit any of us."

"I was upset and hurt. I really didn't mean what I said that night." He looked toward the sleeping area. "Is Jim here?"

"He is in my cabin resting. We felt that there would be less chance of interruption there."

"Oh, okay." He paused, unsure of what he really wanted to say. "Spock, why didn't you guys tell me? Was it that you didn't trust me, didn't think I'd understand? I would have, you know."

"As you did that night? Jim was extremely hurt by what you said. He could not understand why you would turn on him in such a manner." He looked wearily at the doctor. "He had planned to tell you soon. But could we not have something that was ours alone? Are you so jealous of what we share that you would insist on sharing it, too? He bowed to my wish to keep our relationship secret for a time because of his love for me. If you feel the need to place blame, then blame me."

"I don't blame anyone, Spock. I just want to know why, why you didn't trust me enough to let me know you were lovers."

"It had nothing to do with trust, Doctor, and we are not merely 'lovers.' We are bondmates."

"Bondmates? You're bonded? Why? Why did you feel you had to take it so far?" He turned away, unable to look at the Vulcan as he contemplated this new piece of information. "God, I should have known. You were going to get him all to yourself one way or the other."

"That is why you were not told. You see this as a contest, with Jim as the prize. It is not. He is not. Do you think I forced the bond on him, that he was not totally aware of what he was doing? I understand you better than you realize, Doctor. Perhaps you are the one who should rethink his motives."

McCoy spun around, the accusation a further blow. "Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Spock glared at him. "You know exactly what I am saying, McCoy. Do not play games with me. You have always felt threatened by the affinity Jim and I share, from the very first. Now you wish to blame me for giving him what he has long wished for. It will not work. He is mine, he will always be mine. There is nothing you can do to change that. But do not try to hide from the truth. He desired the bond, actively sought it out. I am the one who completes him, whom he bound himself to. If you cannot deal with the fact that you are not the most important person to him, as he is to you, then you will never totally have what you desire above all else."

"And just what is that, Spock?" He didn't want to hear this, but was unable to let it go.

"His love. His need to have you near." Spock closed his eyes, but only despair shone from them when they reopened a moment later. "Please go. There is much I need to do, and there is little time."

McCoy still needed to talk to Kirk, but he knew it wasn't going to happen, not today. He hoped there would be a time when he could make his friend understand. "Okay, I'll go now, but I'm going to talk to him whether you like it or not. Whatever you think, I'm still his friend…and yours, too." He left, feeling worse than when he had entered. He wasn't totally buying what Spock had told him, but he was willing to admit that a lot of the rivalry between him and the Vulcan had been for Jim's attention. He wondered when their friendship had taken such a twisted turn.

^^^^^

They waited, as they had for the last three days. Sometimes Kirk thought that Komack was taking his time on purpose, just to make him sweat. _Great, getting paranoid now._ He continued to play with the deck of cards, a small gift from Sulu, nervously flipping them over and back. When the door signal went off, he jumped and then looked sheepishly over at Spock. "Come."

Lieutenant Cruz strode in, excited and flustered, a memo of some sort in his hand. "You'll never guess what just happened. I can't believe it. It's a miracle, a bloody miracle."

Spock rose swiftly from his chair as Kirk looked up, confused. The Vulcan grabbed the paper from Cruz's hand and scanned it swiftly. "It is done. They have finally intervened."

"Who? What are you talking about? Who intervened?" Kirk queried, his heart rate increasing as adrenaline flooded his system.

"The Vulcan Council. Specifically, T'Pau. They have demanded we be released into their custody and allowed to go to Vulcan. As Vulcan citizens, we are afforded certain rights that were part of the agreement Vulcan made when they joined the Federation. Starfleet cannot refuse." He handed the note to his bondmate and sat down as relief overwhelmed him.

Their lawyer was beaming, still unable to believe the complete change in fortune. "That's right. I just came from Komack. He's madder than hell but there's nothing he can do about it. Apparently there's already a shuttle on its way to pick you two up. Should be here in…" he looked at the chronometer, "I'd say about six hours. If I were you, I'd start packing."

Spock turned to Kirk, taking his hand. "We are free, t'hy'la. They cannot hold us."

"I don't understand. How can Vulcan do that?" Kirk was afraid to believe it.

Cruz responded, "It's a little known statute. I don't know the reason it was put in there to begin with, but it sure came in handy."

Kirk suddenly looked at Spock, comprehension dawning. "You did this, didn't you? All that time on the computer, going through files, sending messages. I'm right, aren't I?"

Looking pleased and hesitant at the same time, Spock nodded. "I knew the odds were against us when it came to our sentencing. Once the admiral found us guilty, logically he would do all in his power to make sure that we were punished as harshly as the law allowed. Our only hope lay with Vulcan." He got up, not sure of his bondmate's response to the rest of it and he wanted room between them. "There are certain times that a Vulcan might be charged with a crime that, on his own world, would not be deemed such."

"Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?" Kirk didn't want to say the words any more than Spock did. Not in front of someone else. But they hung there between them, its reality a touchstone in their lives.

"What are you talking about?" Cruz interjected.

He didn't even turn to look at the lawyer. "Never mind. That's it, isn't it, Spock?"

"Yes. Though the statute is not specific, Vulcan made sure it would have the power to save its citizens should the need arise. It has." Pon farr. They had not talked about it since first bonding, almost superstitiously afraid of bringing it up. Ironically, it seemed, it would now be their salvation.

Kirk finally gave his attention to Cruz. "So that's it then. We're free. But there's a catch, isn't there?"

"Unfortunately, yes. You're both still being dishonorably discharged with all the ramifications that entails. Also, any funds or property either of you have off of Vulcan will be confiscated and…." This was the part he had tried to fight. "You will have to notify the proper authorities whenever going planetside anywhere in the Federation—except Vulcan, of course."

"So, for all intents and purposes, we're being exiled."

"Yes. I'm sorry."

Kirk propped his elbows on the desk in front of him and cradled his head in his hands. After a few minutes he got up and walked over to the closet. He opened it, pulled out a valise, and started packing his things.

"Jim?" Spock came up to him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

Kirk stopped and turned, looking up at his bondmate with a sad smile. "I'm all right, Spock. What's done is done. We'll still be together…that's really all that matters, isn't it? You better go pack your things. We don't have much time." He walked over to the lieutenant. "I want to thank you for all you tried to do for us. I know it doesn't look that way now, but it'll be okay. We've bounced back from worse than this. We'll do it again."

Cruz looked from one to the other. "It was truly an honor and a privilege, sirs. I only wish I could have done more." He turned and, giving them one last look, let himself out.

^^^^^

The shuttle wouldn't arrive for another thirty minutes but Kirk didn't want to stay in what was no longer his cabin. So they sat just outside the shuttlebay doors, their possessions grouped around them. "At least someone put some chairs out here for us. That was thoughtful, don't you think?"

Spock looked at him, his exasperation plain to Kirk. "Yes, was it not? They have taken your ship but they have given us something to sit on while we wait to go into exile. Quite thoughtful, indeed."

"Don't be like that, love. It's not the crew's fault." He put his arm around the Vulcan. "Besides, you always wanted us to live on Vulcan one day. Now we will. Don't look at me that way. You know it's true."

Kirk leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek. They had fallen into a companionable silence when he felt Spock stiffen and pull slightly away.

"Hello, Jim. Spock." McCoy stood ten feet away, his hands moving nervously at his side. "Mind if I join you for a minute?"

Kirk was silent for a moment. When he finally answered, there was a hesitancy that the doctor had never heard before when his captain had addressed him. "Sure, McCoy. What can we do for you?"

McCoy. Not "Bones." "I wanted to say…I wanted to say how sorry I am for all that's happened. You don't deserve what they're doing to you. And to say that…that I'm going to miss you, Jim. You, too, Spock."

Kirk looked up at the doctor for several seconds before standing. He smiled down at his bondmate, and walked across the distance that separated him from his friend, standing in front of McCoy for a moment before taking him in his arms. "I'm going to miss you, too, Bones."

McCoy's arms came up to tightly return the embrace. "Oh, Jim, I'm so sorry. So sorry for everything I said that night." He was close to tears and laughed shakily when he finally pulled back from the embrace. "God, it's going to be lonely around here without you two."

"You'll be fine, Bones. And you'll see us again. Just because we can't come back doesn't mean you can't come to Vulcan once in a while."

"I'd like that." He looked over at Spock. "What about you, Spock? Think you could put up with some company now and then?"

Spock eyed the doctor warily for a moment. "I suppose that with sufficient warning I will be able to prepare myself for that eventuality." He rose and took his place at Kirk's side. "Jim, the shuttle will be rendezvousing with the _Enterprise_ in less than ten minutes. If you do not mind, I wish to make sure I left nothing in the lab."  
"Sure. Just hurry back." He turned and smiled at McCoy as the Vulcan walked away. "You do know he did that so we would have time alone, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. He's not as insensitive as I always said he was."

Kirk motioned the doctor over as he retook his seat. "I know there's a lot you want to ask me but we really don't have much time, so let me talk first, okay?"

"Okay." McCoy took the other chair, ready to hear whatever his friend wanted to say.

Kirk seemed to gather his thoughts before proceeding. "First of all, I love Spock. I know you don't understand that. Hell, it took me a while to. When it first happened, this thing between us, I was really shocked at the way I reacted to him, emotionally and physically. But don't ever think that it's not what I wanted, or that I did it for any other reason than because I loved him. He's everything to me, Bones. The ship, my career, they wouldn't mean a thing without him, not anymore. I'm not going to lie to you and pretend it doesn't hurt, what's happened. Because it does. Sometimes it feels like there's this big hole inside of me and all I can do is hold on until the pain passes. But that's the thing. It does pass. If I had lost Spock…I don't even want to think about it. I hope that someday you can understand and see just a part of what I see when I look at him."

McCoy was confused. "I don't understand. You say that you were shocked at the way you reacted to him. I assume you mean when you were first aroused by him and realized you wanted to have sex with him. Is that right?"

A sheepish grin spread across Kirk's face. "Yeah, did I ever. I couldn't keep my hands off him, Bones. When the bond first started to form I…well, I wanted it so bad that I didn't care about anything else, didn't really think about anything else. If I'd had to force him into it, I would have. Hell, I did. Afterwards, I…it was a problem at first, but not a huge one. I got used to the idea pretty quick. Hell, I took to it faster than Spock did."

"Jim, quit talking in circles. I still don't know what you're talking about. Why would you have to get used to feeling that way if you were lovers?"

"Because we weren't lovers. Not then." The announcement of the shuttle's arrival came over the com, interrupting him, and he immediately rose. "It's almost time to go. Spock will be back any minute now. I really don't have enough time to explain it all to you right now. Please, Bones. Don't make this goodbye. I meant what I said about you coming to see us. I can tell you all about it then. Promise me you'll try."

"I promise, Jim." McCoy kept from breaking down by keeping in mind that it wouldn't be forever now. Spock returned just as the shuttlebay doors opened, and they spent their last few minutes loading up their things. He watched them enter the small craft, Kirk waving goodbye as the doors closed. He heard the hangar deck decompressurize as the shuttle prepared to depart. Three minutes later, they were gone.

^^^^^

Kirk watched the planet slowly grow larger on the viewscreen in their cabin. They had been traveling for two days and it would be good to get out and move around. The ship was luxurious, meant for diplomats and statesmen, but it was tiny compared to what he was used to. "Are your parents going to be ready for us?" He turned to see his bondmate still stretched out on the bed. Planet fall would not be for three hours, no matter how close it looked on the screen, and Spock didn't seem inclined to hurry. It was kind of nice, letting someone else take care of the ship.

"I would imagine not, considering it is two hours before dawn at their residence. Come back to bed, Jim. We have more than sufficient time to prepare for departure."

He climbed back into bed, nudging to fit his buttocks up against his bondmate as Spock pulled him against his chest. "I like the way the viewscreen gives just enough light in here. We should have one installed in our cabin…on whatever ship we end up on."

"I will keep that in mind." Spock began running his hand up and down Kirk's flank, pushing his upper leg forward as he caressed his ass. With each slow stroke he went lower, until finally he insinuated his hand between the human's thighs to fondle his balls.

Kirk felt his cock fill as Spock's nestled against his ass. "Oh love, that feels so good." He could feel the Vulcan's penis gently pushing at his buttocks as his bondmate continued to caress him. They had not made love since that terrible night and he felt his need for Spock overwhelm him, growing as his lover explored his body. Knowing exactly what he wanted, he pushed out of the Vulcan's embrace.

"What is wrong?" Spock came up on his elbows, perplexed.

"Nothing, I just feel like…this." Kirk savored the alien flavor as he took Spock's mouth in a deep kiss before beginning his journey down the lean body, sucking and kissing his way to his ultimate goal.

Spock's head lolled back and his legs spread, opening himself to his lover's touch. First one, then the other nipple was licked and sucked as Kirk explored the Vulcan's body with mouth and hands, entangling fingers in the soft hair of Spock's chest and belly. He laved his way further, settling his mouth over his lover's groin, taking in the rigid cock.

Spock groaned loudly, falling back on the bed as his hands settled on Kirk's shoulders. "Yes. Oh, Jim," he moaned, the feel of the wet suction on his organ centering his reality.

Kirk pushed the Vulcan's legs further apart, fondling the heavy balls as he continued to suck, his tongue working the dual ridges as they flared open, Spock's hips pistoning up to drive the rigid shaft deeper into the wet cavity.

Without letting go of his prize, Kirk turned and straddled his lover, his cock, hard and needing, above the Vulcan's face. When he felt it engulfed in the heat of Spock's mouth, he moaned and then returned to his own feast.

The sounds of their lovemaking filled the cabin. Their bodies moved together, their need for what only the other could give growing. Hands explored as mouths continued to suck, as the two men spiraled faster and faster to that ultimate release.

Spock clutched his lover's ass and, with a deep shudder, spilled his seed into the devouring mouth, his body sinking into the lethargy of fulfillment.

With his bondmate's release, Kirk wrapped his arms around the Vulcan's legs and, stiffening, pulsed out his orgasm, moaning deeply around the softening organ in his mouth.

They remained locked together as breaths were caught and heartbeats brought back to normal. Finally, Kirk climbed off his bondmate, plopping down on the bed beside him, a smile of total love and contentment on his face.

"I needed that." He gently caressed the Vulcan's thigh before pulling himself around and settling within Spock's embrace.

Spock kissed the top of the human's head. "I, too, felt the need for a reaffirmation of our joining."

"I love you so much." Kirk snuggled down into Spock's embrace, his words muffled against his bondmate's chest.

"I love you, Jim. Always."

^^^^^

The air car from the spaceport deposited them a distance from Spock's parents' house, and Kirk was tired and thirsty by the time they arrived there. The small valise he carried felt like it weighed a ton. His first order of business would be to buy a whole new wardrobe and lay in a supply of tri-ox. When the household servant let them in, the cooler air was an immediate relief.

"Spock, Jim, it's so good to have you home again." Amanda came forward from the house's interior, taking her son in her arms, her relief at their safe arrival apparent. She turned and embraced Kirk, his welcome just as enthusiastic.

"It's good to be here, Amanda. For a while there, it didn't look like you'd be seeing us any time soon."

"Where is Father?" Spock asked. "His last message gave me to understand that there was something he needed to discuss with us as soon as we arrived."

Turning, Amanda pulled both men along, her arms linked through theirs. "He won't be home for several hours, so we have plenty of time to get you two settled in your room. Besides, I'm sure Jim would like to change and freshen up, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice. It's going to take a while to get used to things, but it feels good to be back again." Nothing had changed. Sarek and Amanda's ready acceptance of their bonding had gone far to make their previous visits happy and satisfying. Kirk could feel himself relax as they made their way up the stairs.

She stopped as they entered their room. "You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that. I understand how difficult this all has been on you, both of you. But you must realize that Sarek and I are just so relieved to have you back safe."

"Thanks, Amanda. I'll never be able to express my gratitude for the way you and Sarek took me into your home and made me part of your family, especially since my own wasn't so understanding." The pain returned with the memory and he walked away to gaze out a nearby window.

"Jim received a reply from his mother yesterday. She has not taken this well," Spock answered his mother's unspoken question.

"What did she say?"

"Oh, the usual. What kind of man was I? Didn't I have any sense of decency? Stuff like that. It's my fault, really. I never told her about Spock and me. I always meant to, but somehow the right time never came up, even though now I think we were both kidding ourselves. How could she not have known? Spock and I slept in the same room, in the same bed, when we went to visit her, not two months ago. My letters were full of Spock and the things we did together. Shore leave, our off time on the ship. I guess it was easier for her to pretend that he and I were just very good friends. To hear about her son being caught that way with another man…it must have been a real blow, especially when everyone she knew heard the gory details the same time she did." Kirk shrugged. "I made a real mess of things all the way around."

Amanda walked over and kissed him on the cheek before taking his hand. "Don't ever say that. Whatever anyone else thinks, you two belong together. I saw that from the very first. She'll come around, Jim. No mother could not want her son to be happy."

"Did I not tell you this?" Spock leaned over to look into his bondmate's face.

"All right, all right. I know when I'm beat."

"Good. I'll let you two relax and settle in now. You might want to rest a while too, Jim. Give it a day or two before you start pretending you were born here." She laughed gently and took her leave, quietly closing the door behind her.

"How 'bout a shower? Sharing one would give us more time to put stuff away." Kirk grinned at his bondmate, sure that Spock understood exactly what he was saying.

"An excellent idea. It would indeed facilitate matters."

^^^^^

Kirk waited impatiently, his fingers drumming silently on the armrest. Sarek had returned in time for dinner and now, all pleasantries seen to, had asked to speak with them in his study. He had been called away by a message coming in but had taken it in another room, prolonging Kirk's wait.

"What do you think he's up to?"

"'Up to,' Jim? I am not aware that he is 'up to' anything. Most likely, he wishes to ascertain our plans for the future." Spock pulled the small statue Kirk had taken from the table from his bondmate's hands and returned it to its proper place. "There is no reason for your uneasiness."

The human got up and began wandering around the room, picking up and examining objects at random. "I know. I can't help it. But something's going on. I know it. You know it, too." He threw an accusing look at the Vulcan. "Why else this private little chat? Damn, I hope they give us a little while to get used to…how things are now, before trying to plan our lives for us."

Spock was about to respond when Sarek walked in. He strode purposefully over to his desk, taking a seat as Kirk returned to his. "I understand that you are both in need of rest, so I will be brief. I have been in contact with the Vulcan Council. They have had an abiding interest in your recent misfortune and have forwarded an offer of employment to both of you to commence in sixty days."

Kirk looked over at his bondmate, catching the look of surprise that flitted across Spock's face. Whatever Sarek was talking about had obviously been in the works since the day he had found out about their situation. "What kind of employment, exactly?"

"For you, captaincy of a research vessel commissioned by the VSA. Spock, of course, would serve as your first officer. The ship is designed for short-term exploration, with missions of what would be eight to twelve Terran months in duration. It holds a complement of thirty-two, half of whom would be scientists of the VSA's choosing. The rest of the crew would be up to you. Security, maintenance, whomever you felt you needed to effectively run the ship, although they, too, would need background in a scientific discipline."

"A ship. Just like that. I'm sorry, Sarek. I'm not ungrateful, but why? Why would they be willing to give me a ship? One made up of Vulcans, no less?"

"The Council was not pleased by the Federation's treatment of its citizens." Sarek paused. "And in the past, Vulcan itself has been accused of bias toward…outworlders. It is a matter that has caused much discussion and dissent among our people. It is believed that this would be an honorable way of addressing the concerns engendered by our past behavior."

Kirk addressed his bondmate. "What do you make of this? And is it something you'd even like to try?"

Spock hesitated. "I am not sure. It might prove…difficult to serve on an all-Vulcan ship. What would they expect of us? And would it be something we are capable of giving?" He turned to his father. "How soon must we give them an answer?"

"They are willing to wait five days."

"Five days? That's not very much time." Kirk gnawed at his lower lip, rubbing his forehead in thought. "Well, we have five days then. I can't promise anything, but we'll think about it, talk it over."

"I will inform them." Sarek rose and they followed suit, knowing the meeting was over. "Spock, James. You know you are welcome to stay as long as you wish. This is as much your home as ours, and I will abide by whatever decision you make."

"Thank you, sir. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I can't help but feel responsible for what's happened to your son…. I know, I know, it's not 'logical' but that's the way I feel."

They left Sarek to his study and walked back to their room in silence.

^^^^^

The next sixty days passed in a whirlwind of activity. Their decision made in less than three days, it took only four hours after Sarek had forwarded their acceptance for the information regarding their departure date to be sent to them. And though it might have made more sense initially to make Spock's parents' house their home base, they had decided to buy one of their own.

"I know it's taken a while but this is it. This is the one I want." Kirk looked over at his bondmate, who was examining in minute detail the workings of the large kitchen they stood in. "What about you?"

Spock pulled his head out of the cabinet he was inspecting. "Yes, I believe this is the one. It has all the amenities we require, plus it is large enough to hold everything of yours that was sent from Earth without being…."

"Cluttered. The word is cluttered." He laughed softly and walked over to take Spock in his arms. "I know, I need to go through all that stuff. There just hasn't been any time. I have a feeling it's all going to be thrown into one of the rooms until we get back." He sobered. "I never realized how much of my stuff Mom saved. It's funny, once I left home, I started traveling really light. Whatever I took from ship to ship fit in a few boxes." He disengaged himself and started walking aimlessly around the room. "Do you ever wonder why we're doing this? Buying a house."

Spock _had_ thought about it. When Kirk had first broached the subject, he had been somewhat surprised. Their careers had been the cornerstone of both their lives, and home and hearth had by necessity taken a back seat. "Perhaps it is our way of making a statement to all who would think of us as transitory, a 'passing fancy' that will soon run its course. Or perhaps," he walked over and hugged Kirk from behind, "it is the need for permanence, a replacement for the home we lost on the _Enterprise_ …and the one you lost on Earth."

Kirk leaned back into the strong embrace. "Yeah. I still can't quite wrap my mind around what…what she wrote. I thought I knew her. Okay, I figured she'd be shocked at first. All those years of my screwing around with one woman after another. I just never thought she's react quite this badly. I didn't know people still disowned their kids." He quieted for a moment. "I wanted her to be part of our lives. We had never been close, but I always felt that we loved each other. And after Sam died…we were all the family either one of us had left. I figured my being with another man wasn't something to tear us apart over. Guess I figured wrong…but Spock, I never thought she would hate me for it."

The latest letter from Kirk's mother had been virulent, even more so than the first. Spock had rushed over to Kirk when his bondmate's face had gone white, his hand clenching the sheet of paper. Male bonding was, and had always been, an honored state on Vulcan. If his people had any trouble at all with his choice of a bondmate, it was because Kirk was human. But Earth, or at least many of its people, still held homosexuality in contempt. Kirk's mother had lashed out in the most destructive of ways, again casting doubt on his manhood and questioning his very character. It had taken all Spock's control to not take the letter from his lover's hand and consign it to flames. "She is wrong. About you, about us. If anyone is less than they should be, it is she. I do not know if I can ever forgive her for what she has done to you."

Kirk turned in Spock's embrace, lightly pressing his lips to Spock's and then grabbing his hand to pull him towards the stairs. "Come on. We're running out of daylight and I want to finish checking out the rest of the house. If this is the one we're taking, we'd better make sure there aren't any surprises."

"Vulcan houses do not have 'surprises.' You only wish to make sure the bedroom is to your satisfaction." His feigned affront broke the last of the melancholy that held Kirk in its grip, which was what Spock had hoped for. By nightfall they had christened the house, and Kirk finished the day in a state of anticipation. Within four days they would be living in their new home. Two weeks after that, they would leave to begin their first assignment in their new ship.

^^^^^

"Permission to come aboard." Kirk tried desperately to keep the smile from his face as he and Spock came aboard the Vulcan research vessel, _Warrior's Oath._ Even the name made him smile. T'Pau had made sure that the whole galaxy knew that Vulcan honored her sons, even to the point of giving them the same ranks they had held before. That Vulcan had no armed services didn't seem to make much difference to anyone.

"Permission is not needed, Captain Kirk." Stovan, engineer and geologist, came forward from the transporter console. _"Warrior's Oath_ is a research vessel and, as such, not held to the same rules and regulations you are used to. Nevertheless, 'welcome, aboard.'"

"Thank you, Stovan. Unfortunately, old habits die hard." Kirk looked around the small room. It was definitely going to take some getting used to. The ship was so much smaller than the _Enterprise._ "Between you and Spock, you'll whip me into shape in no time."

With a slightly puzzled expression, Stovan motioned to the young girl who had been the only other crew member in attendance. "Captain, this is T'Lena, a last minute replacement to the expedition. She is what you would call a resident under Sator, the ship's healer, but will also serve as yeoman to you and Commander Spock."

Another female yeoman. They seemed to follow him. He glanced at Spock, who was giving the girl an odd look. "Welcome, Captain Kirk, Commander Spock. If you will follow me, I will show you to your quarters."

They took their leave of Stovan and were led down a small corridor to the lift. The ship was compact but seemed to have all the amenities needed for extended stays in space. Their cabin was on the next deck up, on the same level as the bridge. T'Lena left them there, her departure maybe a little abrupt, even for a Vulcan. "I wonder what her problem is." Kirk wandered around, checking out their joint cabin.

"She is T'Pring's younger sister," Spock answered, a slight uneasiness playing across his face.

At Spock's statement, Kirk spun around, surprise and consternation on his face. "You're kidding. Oh, this is just great. Just what I need."

"Perhaps she could be replaced?" Spock sighed and headed for the sleeping area where their bags had been left and started to unpack. "Unfortunately, there is no logical reason to do so."

"No logical reason? I can give you plenty of logical reasons. Isn't hating our guts reason enough?"

"I do not know that she 'hates our guts,' Jim. T'Lena and T'Pring have never been close. She may, in fact, be more worried about how we feel about her." Spock stared for a minute and then seemed to come to a decision. "I am being unnecessarily pessimistic. She is here. I will make the best of it."

"If you say so." Kirk walked over to the now cleared bed and stretched out. "This is nice. That was the only thing I didn't like on the _Enterprise._ Separate quarters. I was really worried they were going to keep us apart during the trial."

"That would have been somewhat difficult. They could not have very well locked the doors into our shared facilities."

Kirk laughed. "They could have moved one of us, though."

Spock came over and sat next to his lover. "That would have been most distressing. It was difficult enough. Without your presence…I do not know if I would have been able to bear it."

"That's funny. Sometimes, I got the impression that our situation wasn't bothering you at all."

The Vulcan looked away, his expression thoughtful. "It was not what I wished to convey. But I knew that if I were to give in to…what I was feeling, that it could destroy any chance for our freedom. Even now, after all our time together, I still sometimes am not able to…regulate emotions satisfactorily. I know that I hurt you when I am sometimes unable to share part of myself." He turned and gazed intently at Kirk. "I am deeply sorry for that."

"It's over. Let's not think about it anymore." He lightly caressed his lover's face and then jumped up, grabbing Spock's arm. "Come on. Let's go get another look at our ship."

^^^^^

"Standard orbit, Stenn." The young helmsman gracefully maneuvered the ship into place. Towering over the rest of the crew, he gave the impression of clumsiness. It had not taken long for Kirk to discover that the large body possessed the grace of a dancer. The captain leaned back and watched the planet slowly fill the viewscreen. After only three months out he felt that he and the crew had meshed into a finely working team. His initial reservations had evaporated as they had found a balance between Vulcan reticence and human enthusiasm. He turned to his communications officer. "Sukar, have Spock, T'Mala and two from security meet me in the transporter room. T'Para, you have the con." He left the bridge, his seat taken by his navigator.

Long-range scans had shown this planet to be Class M with a rich diversity of animal and plant life, but so far no sentient life form had registered. If all went as planned, their report would lead to Vulcan sending a second ship, one that would set up a temporary outpost for scientific study. Spock's expertise made him an invaluable member of any landing party, and the crew had gotten used to their captain going along. He entered the transporter room to find everyone for the initial landing party already there. "All right, everyone. As far as we know, we shouldn't have any trouble, but keep alert."

They beamed down into a small clearing where Spock and T'Mala both began taking readings immediately. T'Mala kept her eyes on the tricorder screen as she addressed Kirk. "I will need two point six hours to acquire all the readings I need, Captain. I will begin along the watercourse located three hundred meters in that direction." She pointed to a stand of trees that was growing along its banks.

"That's fine, but take the security men with you. Spock and I can look around here." As the trio walked away, Kirk wandered over to Spock's side.

"The planet seems rich in precious metals, Captain. There is a large deposit of silver just over this rise." Spock nodded to the area on his left, continuing to scan.

"Why don't you and I take a walk over there? T'Mala will probably be a while and I'd like to take a look around. Don't worry, the security guards will take care of her." Kirk's statement only elicited a raised eyebrow from his bondmate as they started off.

They continued for a while in silence, Spock's attention glued to the tricorder screen while Kirk took in the scenery. It really was a beautiful planet. "How's it look?" Kirk queried the Vulcan, who had stopped walking and stooped to grab a handful of soil.

"Low grade. It is not rich enough to bother mining." Spock stood, brushing his hand on his pants. "The planet may not have any natural resources of immediate value."

Kirk smiled. "I'll bet T'Mala would argue that with you. She'll probably find all kinds of plants to take along. She has so far."

"She is an excellent botanist."

"So are you, First Officer." The human walked over to his bondmate, his fingers extended to fit against Spock's.

"Is that why you keep me around?"

Spock still teased him, at least when they were alone. Kirk had been worried about that, afraid that Spock would go super Vulcan on a ship of Vulcans. It hadn't happened. "Oh no. But it's a great plus." He almost kissed Spock but figured that would be out of line, even though they had come to realize that a certain public intimacy was almost expected of them as bondmates, touches that would have been taboo aboard the _Enterprise._ On that ship, even when they had been alone, they had kept a certain distance between them. Only in their cabins had they felt safe, a safety that had turned out to be an illusion. The acknowledgment of what they were to each other had gone a long way toward making Kirk feel accepted aboard their new ship as he and Spock relaxed into their roles.

He pulled his hand away and began to survey some of the plant life around them. "I can't wait 'til we get to Wheeler's planet and I can get you alone. I never thought that taking shore leave would be such a problem."

"Yes. I understand your reluctance to 'check in' on Federation planets. Wheeler's status as an unaligned planet has effectively dealt with that problem."

"I've already made the reservations for a cabin. I just hope nothing interferes. It's still two months away, and after that it could be a while before we're around any place that would fit the bill."

"It is fortunate that the planet has extensive research facilities. Stenn and T'Para have both expressed interest in beaming down while we are there. The rest, I believe, are planning to use the time to catch up on laboratory work."

"Yeah, it never occurred to me I'd be the only one on board who'd want shore leave. Except maybe T'Lena." Kirk glanced over, laughing when Spock's eyebrows shot up. "Don't give me that. I've seen the way she watches you. She's got a crush on you."

"Really, Jim. T'Lena has been an exemplary yeoman to both of us, as well as keeping up with her studies under Sator. She has never done anything to provoke such suspicion."

"Sure, Spock. Don't get me wrong. I think she's got great taste. Lucky for me your parents picked T'Pring for you, or I'd still be off jumping from one relationship to another. It just gets a little awkward at times, that's all. It's not a problem…really." Turning, he noticed a spot of color among a clump of vegetation.

Spock continued his scanning, his back to his captain, when he heard the human grunt with surprise. Kirk was kneeling in front of a flower like plant, holding his hand, pain etched on his face. "I think something bit me." He extended his hand to Spock, who had raced over. "Hurts like hell, too."

"Your hand is beginning to swell. You should beam up. I will return to the others to inform them of what has occurred." He started to pull out his communicator when Kirk stopped him.

"No, it's okay. I can take a little pain. What's the crew going to think if I go running back to the ship over a bug bite? Come on, I can walk that far." He stood up, still holding his hand in a tight grip. The pain was getting worse, but he refused to let Spock coddle him.

They had been walking less than ten minutes when Kirk buckled, falling into the arms of his bondmate, out cold.

^^^^^

"How is he, Sator?" Spock was desperately trying to keep the worry from showing on his face. He had beamed back, the unconscious human a dead weight in his arms. The trip to sickbay had seemed endless, but once there Sator had taken over, practically pushing him out of the examination room. That had been two hours ago.

"He is well. The venom was swift acting but he received treatment in time. Why did he not beam back aboard as soon as he was bitten?"

Spock looked toward the room where Kirk was recuperating. "He can be…very stubborn. It was his wish to remain on the planet until we rejoined the rest. He did not wish to appear…weak before the crew."

"That is highly illogical, Spock. He must know that we are aware of his lesser strength and resistance. No one would think ill of him because of these differences."

Spock was surprised by the healer's words, made aware for the first time that perhaps it was he and Jim who were being prejudicial. "You are right, of course. It will not happen again. May I see him?"

"Yes, he should be awake by now. He may return to his quarters, but I am keeping him off duty until tomorrow at eight hundred hours." Sator started to walk away, but then turned to address Spock once more. "We all understand the hardships he has gone through. He is a brave man. There is no need for him to repeatedly prove that."

Spock pondered the words as he walked over and entered the cubicle where Kirk was waiting for him. "I thought you'd never come for me." Kirk sat on the edge of the bed, already dressed. He was pale and his hand was still slightly swollen, but all Spock could see was that he was alive and well.

"You must be more careful." Spock pulled him into his arms, holding him in order to convince himself of his safety.

Kirk pulled slightly away, frowning up at the Vulcan. "What is it, love? What's the matter?"

"Jim, would you promise me something?" Sickbay was probably not the best place to be having this discussion, but the words needed to be said.

"I'm not going to like it, am I?" He hugged Spock to him, tempering his words with a show of affection.

"No, you will not. But still, I need to ask it of you. I know that you will always have the need to lead, to go first wherever you send others. I would never wish for you to change. It is very much a part of what I most admire…and love about you. All I ask is that you keep in mind that sometimes…sometimes you would best serve the ship and our mission…by staying aboard. Please, Jim."

Kirk continued to embrace his bondmate. He understood where this was coming from, and in a way even agreed with it. "I know. I had a lot of time to think, just lying here, and it occurred to me that you and I are the only ones who've ever run a ship. If something happened to both of us…. I can't make any guarantees that I'll never go down when it's not strictly necessary, or that there won't be times when you won't agree with my reasons for doing so. But I'll try to make sure that the reasons are valid, even if only to myself. That's all I can promise. Can you live with that?"

Spock ran his fingers through the golden strands pressed to his chest. "Yes, beloved. I can live with that."

^^^^^

"I thought Stenn said this planet was sparsely populated?" Kirk groused. The young helmsman, and his bondmate, T'Para, had been the ones to recommend the place. Kirk's irritability had grown as they were shoved and pushed through the milling crowd.

Spock could hardly hear his captain and had to shout in order to be heard. "It is. Unfortunately, over eighty percent of its population lives on this island alone."

"All this beach and ocean and they stay on this one island?"

"Evidently. Wheeler's is eighty-three point three percent ocean, so land is at a premium. To own one of the islands is very expensive. Most, in fact, are owned by corporations from other planets."

Kirk continued to forge his way through, until they finally reached the docks where they would embark on their shore leave. He stopped to take his bearings and then grabbed Spock's arm as the stream of people threatened to separate them. "The agent said our boat was the third from the end and that the pilot would already be there with our supplies." He held on to his bondmate, pulling him behind him as he threaded his way to their destination.

They both saw the boat at the same time. If it was any indication, the rest of their shore leave would be worth the hefty price they had paid. It was large but streamlined, its deck loaded with all the things two people who planned to be alone for five days would need. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" Kirk led the Vulcan down the pier to where two men were busy loading the rest of the supplies. "Who's in charge around here?"

"I am." A voice from the upper deck of the ship boomed down at him. "Come on aboard. We'll be leaving within the hour so you better hurry and stow whatever gear you brought."

Spock looked at his captain, his chagrin plain to his bondmate. "Perhaps you would like to tell him how it is that between the two of us we have only one small valise."

Kirk had the grace to be embarrassed. "Well, it's not like we're planning to wear anything most of the time."

The captain of the vessel had made his way down, meeting them as they boarded. "It'll only take a few hours to make the island you're staying on…. Where's your stuff?"

"Um…this is it." Kirk put the valise next to the supplies piled near by. He looked back to see the man giving his body a once-over before throwing a wink in Spock's direction. He didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted so, deciding that discretion was truly the better part of valor, ignored it.

"Name's Spencer. I'll be your captain for the trip." He extended his weather-roughened hand.

"Jim Kirk. This is my first officer, Mr. Spock." Kirk shook hands with the large man, feeling embarrassed and proud at the same time. _To hell with it. At least he thinks Spock has good taste._ "Is it all right if we stay above? I'd hate to have to make the trip from inside the cabin."

"No problem. There's some benches on top. You'll probably like it best up there, anyway. If you need anything, give a holler. If I'm not around, someone will help you. I've got to get things goin', so I'll talk to you later." He walked off, shouting orders as he went.

"Colorful, isn't he?" Spock's arched eyebrow was his only answer, and, laughing, Kirk led them up the ladder mounted to the side of the control room. Spencer was right. From up top their view was unobstructed, and they watched as the ship slowly pulled away from the pier, heading out to sea.

Kirk lay out on one of the padded benches, settling himself comfortably in for their brief trip. He wore cutoffs and a tank top, and he had pulled off the top as soon as they had left land behind, exposing his upper body to the wind and sun. For the next hour, they enjoyed the gentle motions of the ship as they sailed toward their destination.

"This is great. Imagine what it's going to be like on the island. Five whole days of doing whatever we feel like." He leered at his bondmate. "I know what I'm going to feel like doing the moment we get there."

"Not the moment we get there, surely?"

"Well, maybe I'll wait until they leave…. That reminds me, wasn't the captain going to come up here?"

"He did. I believe he thought he would be intruding when he saw your state of undress."

"Hey, I'm decent." Kirk sat up and pulled his shirt back on. "Better not leave this off too long. We should be making the island soon, shouldn't we?"

"Within thirty minutes if my information is correct."

It was. Within thirty minutes they were alone, their cabin filled with all the supplies they would need. They watched from its verandah as the ship sailed away.

^^^^^

The shoreline stretched out, empty but for the two men. The island had made for an ideal shore leave. The four days they had spent there had been filled with lazing about in the sun, swimming in the warm ocean…and making love. Kirk sat on the blanket they had spread for themselves under the protecting shade of what resembled a large tree. Spock lay on his stomach, the dappling of shade and sun on his skin creating a picture of erotic intensity. The human leaned over and placed a kiss on the exposed ass, eliciting a slight sigh from his bondmate.

"You having a good time, Spock?" He moved his hand lazily over the bronzed flesh, caressing back and buttocks.

"It has been a most pleasant stay." Spock came up on his elbows, almost smiling as he watched the human's cock began to fill.

Kirk continued to stroke the body next to his. He could feel himself responding, his penis hardening, but he wanted this to last. He unobtrusively slipped the tube of lubricant out of the basket they had brought and placed it next to him on the blanket. "I can't believe we have the entire island to ourselves. It's like being marooned on a tropical paradise. No one to hide from or worry about seeing us. I don't think I've ever had a better shore leave."

"Nor I. I never would have believed that I would find such pleasure in doing nothing."

"We never could when we were on the _Enterprise._ It's hard to imagine having to hide like we did, always taking precautions so we wouldn't get caught. I hated it, you know. Especially at first. I wanted so much to be able to act the same with you whether on the bridge or in our cabins. When we finally got together, really together, I felt like I was being cheated out of a real relationship."

"You wished to be able to touch?"

"Yes…no…I don't know. It's hard to explain."

"Try. Please." Spock reached over, brushing sand from his bondmate's cheek.

"Okay, like at meal time. If I feel like taking something off your plate, I do."

"You have never taken anything off my plate. You dislike almost everything I eat," Spock stated.

"All right, bad example. I guess it was just that now we can be more…intimate is the word that comes to mind."

"I have not noticed a great change in your behavior, Jim."

"But it has changed. I know it has. You probably don't notice the difference because it didn't change right away, or all at once. I remember the first time I noticed the change. We were on the bridge, at your station. I don't remember exactly what was going on, but you were looking into your viewer, and I was standing behind you. Sukar came up with a message, and I realized that I had my hand on your shoulder."

"That does not sound so very intimate."

"Maybe not now, you're used to it now. But I never would have done that on the _Enterprise._ Ever."

"How did Sukar react?"

"That's the best part. He didn't. I distinctly remember leaving my hand there, talking to him as I touched you. It was the greatest feeling in the world."

"Surely not the greatest?"

Kirk smiled, his gaze returning to his bondmate's body. "Okay, not the greatest." His hand settled on his lover's ass, fondling it gently.

Spock spread his legs and Kirk's hand dipped between his thighs, running up the inside of one leg and lightly touching his balls. He lifted his hips slightly, drawing in his breath as his cock and balls were expertly manipulated.

Kirk moved against him and began nipping and sucking at his ass, his hand continuing its slow pumping of Spock's organ.

The Vulcan's hips began to slowly rock and he dropped his head and groaned when he felt the wet probe of his bondmate's tongue dip between his buttocks, laving his anus. "Jim…oh, Jim."

The human moved down and knelt between the now wide spread legs. He parted Spock's buttocks, pushing his tongue deep into the hot orifice. When the body below him began to buck, he pulled back and wrapped one hand again around the engorged cock while using his other to spread lubricant on his own. "I want you, Spock. I want to bury myself in you. Right here, right now."

"Yes, t'hy'la, yes." The Vulcan brought his knees up, presenting himself to be taken.

Kirk continued fondling his lover's cock, knowing how close Spock was to release, wanting to fill him and take him over the edge. Positioning his cock against the puckered anus, he slowly pushed into the tight orifice, rocking forward and back until he was all the way in. He began thrusting in and out, grunting each time his balls slapped against his lover's. "You're so tight…so hot. I love fucking you…I love it." He was lost in sensation, the feel of Spock's rectum squeezing his cock, the sounds the Vulcan made as he was taken. They thrust towards each other, both hips pistoning faster until with a last hard push Kirk came, filling his bondmate with his seed. He shuddered, his cock spasming in the tight channel. He felt Spock stiffen and release his semen into his hand.

After, they both lay quietly as their breathing slowed, Kirk’s body draped over his lover's. Finally rising, Kirk gently pulled his cock out of Spock's body and fell next to him on the blanket. He reached over, trying to straighten the mussed bangs. "You're beautiful, and I love you more than you'll ever know."

"You are aware that the reverse is also true, are you not?" The Vulcan rose up on one elbow and took his mouth in a kiss. They had one more day of paradise left.

^^^^^

McCoy sat at the back table of the rec room, his mood as black as the space they traveled through. Eight months. Eight months since the captain and first officer of the _Enterprise_ had been dishonorably discharged and had left for Vulcan. He had received one tape from Jim, sent while they were still at Spock's parents' home. At first, he had believed that Kirk's silence was because of their situation. But as the news from Vulcan had come in, it had become apparent that that was not the case. This morning's latest update had shown just how well his friends had adapted to their new lives.

He was still wallowing in his misery when the chief engineer came up, setting his drink down as he took the seat across from the doctor. "What's the matter, McCoy? Ye look like ye just heard some vera bad news."

"Not bad, Scotty. Just…well, I guess you'd say it drove the last nail in the coffin, so to speak."

"And who's coffin might that be?"

"Ours. It seems that Jim and Spock and their new ship are a smashing success."

"Aye, I'd heard. But dinna you know about it?"

"Yeah, I knew. It's been all over the news. The 'exciting exploits of the charismatic captain of the _Warrior's Oath_ and his beloved bondmate.' How's that for a name? They made sure to rub all our noses in it, didn't they?" He frowned, surprised at his own bitterness. "I guess they didn't need the _Enterprise,_ or the Federation…or us."

"So why are ye going on about it now?"

McCoy leaned forward, his elbows planted on the table. "I guess because in the last six months the intrepid captain and crew of the Vulcan research vessel, _Warrior's Oath,_ have catalogued three new class M planets, discovered a rich dilithium deposit, and now found a plant specimen that looks to be a cure for certain infections resistant to antibiotics. How's that for two men who were supposed to slink off into obscurity?"

"I would have thought ye would be happy for them."

McCoy sighed deeply, resting his chin in his hands. "I am, Scotty. Really, I am. It's just that they were supposed to miss us…at least a little. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. I always thought that they'd spend all their time trying to get back the _Enterprise._ Turns out, they did okay all by themselves. And I am glad for them." He lapsed into silence, trying to sort out the kaleidoscope of feelings bouncing around in his brain.

"Did ye ever find out why they dinna tell ye about themselves?"

The doctor's head came up, his eyes revealing the pain he still felt. "Spock told me, at least as much as he felt like at the time. It had to do with…jealousy."

"Jealousy? Who was supposed to be jealous? And of whom?"

"Me. I was supposed to be jealous of Spock, of his relationship with Jim…oh, not that I wanted Jim as a lover. Nothing so simple. No, Spock seemed to think that I was jealous of their closeness, that I resented the fact that, even though I had known Jim longer, it was Spock who meant the most to him. I don't know, maybe he's right. Scotty, there have been times I've stayed awake half the night just trying to figure that out. Am I jealous of Spock? I know every now and then I got a little peeved at the way they could close themselves off from everyone, like no one else was in the room. And the way Spock had of acting like he owned Jim. Nothing overt, just this feeling I'd get, like he was holding on to him without actually touching him. Damn, I'm not making any sense."

"May I join you gentlemen?" Uhura stood next to the table, tray in hand.

McCoy glanced at Scott and then at Uhura. She had startled him and he wondered how much she had heard of what he had just said. "Sure, sweet lady. Your company's always welcome."

She sat next to Scotty, setting out her meal. "Good, I don't like to eat alone and Hikaru's still on duty."

"You two getting along okay?" The romance between Uhura and the young helmsman had temporarily taken the ship's attention off its former captain and first officer.

She smiled, unable to hide the happiness she felt. "Sure we are. 'Captain Bligh' just decided to put us on different shifts. Lovely man, our captain. Makes me think more and more about not re-upping at the end of the mission."

"Would you do that? I thought you loved it on the _Enterprise?"_ McCoy was surprised. He thought he was the only one thinking about leaving.

"I do, or at least, I did. But after the problems on Wheeler's Planet, and now this, I've just about had it."

McCoy remembered vividly the hard work and long hours they had all put in to fight the epidemic that had raged on that planet. It had taken three weeks to get it under control and in all that time, and the three days since they had left the planet, the captain had not once praised the crew for all their hard work. "I got the impression that he thought we should have been able to clear things up right away. Never bothered to check what it was we were getting ourselves in to."

"I'm surprised you didn't revolt since the medical department got the worst of his displeasure."

"Aye, McCoy. I'd been wondering the same thing. The contagion spread vera fast and the captain dinna take that into consideration. He just wanted an answer and he went after ye for one."

"I don't know. I don't think he realized how long the incubation period was. We were lucky no one died. Maybe he thought…hell, I don't know what he thought. He's a hard man to like, that's for sure."

Uhura nodded in agreement. "I'd say impossible. He had me going through all the back log tapes, trying to pin the blame on someone as to why it took so long to find an answer." She stabbed at her lunch, her anger at the odious man needing a release.

"Blast, that reminds me," Scott exclaimed disgustedly. "I have to meet the dear man in engineering in an hour. I'd best be getting along. Ye never know what he wants done next. I dinna know there were so many ways for one man to make a complete nuisance of himself. I'll see ye later, McCoy. And a good day to ye too, lass."

They watched the engineer leave the room, reluctance obvious in his stride. Captain Lansing was a hard-nosed, by-the-book martinet. Neither of them envied Scotty's position of having to deal so much with the man so many on the ship believed had been assigned to them as a punishment. Starfleet had found the perfect way to make their displeasure known about the crew that had had the gall to remain loyal to their disgraced command team. Conversation stopped as both fell into contemplation.

The silence was finally broken by Uhura's soft inquiry. "I suppose you've heard the latest about the captain and Mr. Spock."

McCoy gave her a small smile, his heart not in it. "Yeah, I did. How did you find out?"

The woman laughed lightly. "I always find out, don't you know that? A communications officer has to be on top of everything concerning the ship. Past and present. Did you hear directly from them?" she asked hesitantly.

"No, my dear. I'm not on their A list anymore. The only tape I've gotten from Jim was six months ago. Right before they left Vulcan, apparently."

"Bitterness, Doctor? I didn't think you had it in you."

"Yeah, well, neither did I. Just goes to show, you never really know someone the way you think."

"I know what you mean. I always thought Chekov and I were good friends."

"What's the matter with Chekov?" McCoy gave her a surprised look.

"Nothing, unless you count the fact that since Hikaru and I got together he's been really cool with me. I've tried to ignore it, but that's hard to do when your boyfriend's best friend doesn't care for you."

"Don't be silly, Uhura. Chekov likes you. He's always liked you."

"That's what I always believed. But every time the three of us get together, he acts like it bothers him that Hikaru and I are a couple. Like it somehow takes away from their friendship. I don't understand why he would feel that way. I never try to stop them from doing things together." She looked at the doctor with a gleam in her eye. "But you know what? Sometimes he gets me so mad that I think about doing just that. Especially, because I know I could. If he doesn't watch out, he's going to get just what he's been asking for."

"But that's silly. You think he'd be happy that his best friend had found someone to love. What kind of moron would…."

It hit him like a phaser blast. What kind of moron would resent love coming into a friend's life? The question had been with him for a long time, sliding in and out of his consciousness. It had taken this gentle woman's prodding to make him finally admit that self-pity had no place in his relationship with Kirk…any more than resentment did in his with Spock. Maybe it was time for a long talk with himself. "I'm sorry, Uhura, I just remembered something I have to do. I'll see you later."

Chekov walked in as the doctor hurried out, a perplexed look on his face as he set his lunch down on the table and settled in the chair across from Uhura. "Vhat vas that all about? The doctor looked like he vas going to a fire."

Uhura watched McCoy leave with a sly grin on her face. "I really don't have a clue, Pavel. I probably won't be here much longer either. Hikaru said he had some news for me, and I promised to try and meet him before I go on duty." She turned to the ensign, obviously happy to see her friend. "So, what's new with you?"

^^^^^

Another planet, another survey he had forced himself not to go on. He really wasn't needed and the climate was hot and dry, not exactly his first choice of where to spend a few days, anyway. Spock had beamed down the day before with a landing party of nine. The readings had to be taken constantly so they had spent the night there, as they would tonight. Kirk sighed. He missed his bondmate.

"Sukar, you've got the con. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cabin." He handed the reins over to his communications officer and left the bridge. He might as well get some paperwork done while he was alone. He certainly wasn't going to waste time on it once Spock got back. Just thinking about exactly how they would spend their time was giving him an erection. Making his way through the ship, he decided a workout might be a better idea. He walked into their cabin, pulling off his shirt as the door closed behind him. Standing quietly next to the bed, T'Lena was gazing intently at the picture on the headboard of the bed. It was of his and Spock's bonding ceremony.

"What are you doing in here?"

T'Lena spun around, her eyes going wide. "I…I was delivering some reports when I saw the picture. Forgive me. I did not mean to invade your privacy." She started to leave but he blocked her path.

"The picture isn't anywhere near my desk."

"You are correct. I have seen it before, while fulfilling other duties, but had never truly looked at it." She glanced back at the picture, a slight frown creasing her brow.

"What is it about the picture that bothers you?"

She looked up, stifling her surprise. "It does not 'bother' me. I was merely…curious."

He leaned against the partition, folding his arms across his chest. "Curious? About what?"

Her gaze left his face, traveling to his bare chest and over the bulge at his groin. He blushed but refused to back down from her scrutiny. She finally looked back up at him. "Why it is that Spock has continued to keep a male bondmate."

He felt like telling her to get the hell out. Instead, he decided that maybe he could squelch any ideas she had, right here and now. He didn't need this kind of grief on his ship. "Male bonding is an honorable choice among your people, T'Lena."

"This is true. But not among yours, so I do not understand what it is that you gain from your association…or of what benefit you are to him. Spock's requirements of a bondmate would be primarily mental, except for those times when he would need a…body to penetrate. It is said that many humans are ruled by their sexual drives, by their need to be…possessed. Is that what you give him, total possession of your body?"

He straightened, his eyes and voice cold. "You wouldn't have a clue what I give him, lady, even if it were your business. I will tell you this. Spock and I are bonded. That's not going to change, no matter what you think…or want."

"I only desire what is best for Spock. You cannot give him offspring. You cannot match his intellect. Since you are not telepathic, he is obliged to expend added effort during mental contact with you. You are human, therefore…."

"Therefore what? Inferior?"

"I was going to say that with your shorter life span, you will be the cause of his premature death."

Kirk's cold rage went white hot as he became aware at last of what Spock had feared from her. "No one knows if that's true or not. Besides, it's what he wants, and whether you understand it or not, some things are worth whatever price you have to pay." Their present circumstances certainly attested to that. Both had come to realize that nothing was as important as being together. Nothing.

"That is not logical." She raised her head in defiance, as if she had made a final, unarguable point.

"No, maybe not. But it's the truth. Forget about him, T'Lena. Find someone else. Spock's already taken."

"He has been blinded by his sense of obligation. Eventually, he will see the error in continuing his relationship with you. I will wait until he has, until he understands that there is someone who can give him all he could wish for."

"He already has that."

"No, he does not. I do not understand how either of you can think that."

"If you live a thousand years, you'll never understand. It's not in you, all you see is black and white. There are no colors in your world. I almost pity you." He turned his back on her. "We head back to Vulcan in three weeks. You better think about what ship you plan to transfer to because you're not staying on this one."

He headed toward the closet, not waiting to see whether she would stay or go. He was pulling out his clothes when he heard the door swish open and close. He turned to an empty room and released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He was stunned that she would have the audacity to imply what she had, that he was just a convenient sex partner for Spock, nothing more. His hands were shaking as he practically tore off his clothes and quickly donned his trunks and t-shirt. He was really going to need that workout now.

^^^^^

A week later, they circled above yet another planet, their last before setting course for Vulcan. Designated only as RP1485, it rotated below them in shades of blue and green. _God, it looks so much like Earth._ Kirk had resisted going on a landing party for the last several weeks and now he felt he deserved a reward. "Sukar, please inform Sator to meet us in the transporter room. Have him pick out a geologist and four others for the survey. Spock, come with me. T'Para, you're in command."

The two men fell into step, entering the turbolift. "You have decided to join the landing party?" Spock eyed his bondmate, hesitant to bring up this point of contention between them.

"Give me a break, okay, Spock? It's been five weeks since I've been off the ship. Since our shore leave, in fact. It'll be fine. This planet's already been surveyed once by another ship from the VSA. We're here just to pick a few good spots for an outpost."

"I did not mean to suggest…. Spock was surprised by Kirk's low chuckle, and turned to him quizzically. "You are not upset?"

"No. I should be, though. You're becoming a real mother hen, did you know that?" Kirk's tone turned serious. "I had such a great time on shore leave with you. Being able to be together like that without worrying about being seen. I liked it…a lot. This planet sounds a lot like Wheeler's. Green and lush and warm. I'd like to just walk with you there, like we did on shore leave."

Spock graced him with a teasing smile. "We will not be alone. We can not walk as we did on Wheeler's."

"Okay, so we have to be dressed this time. Other than that, it'll be the same."

The lift stopped and they proceeded to the transporter room, where the rest of the landing party awaited their arrival. Minutes later, they were on the planet, the four teams of two heading off in divergent directions. Kirk and Spock soon found themselves near a body of water, its banks alive with blossoms.

"It's beautiful here." Kirk turned to his bondmate, who was busy at his tricorder. "Come on, Spock. Walk with me around the lake. You've got plenty of time to take readings."

The Vulcan dutifully turned off the tricorder, walking over to Kirk and taking his hand. "You are right. You have made sure that is the case, have you not?"

Kirk smiled. "Found out. Can't pull anything over on you anymore, can I?" They began a leisurely stroll around the small lake, enthralled by the calm and beauty that surrounded them. "This is nice, spending time with you this way."

"What way is that?"

"Like this." Kirk brought their joined hands up for a moment. "Remember what we talked about on shore leave, about not being able to touch when we were on the _Enterprise?"_

"Yes, I remember."

"Well, this is what I was talking about. And the fact that you accept this without blinking an eye tells me it goes a lot deeper than I imagined."

"That it has become a part of us, this touching."

"Not just touching, Spock. Don't you feel it, the difference?"

Spock seemed to still, though they kept walking, his expression one of intense concentration. Finally, he spoke. "The bond has changed."

"How?"

"It is…stronger, more entwined within our consciousness." The Vulcan turned to his bondmate, a look of wonder in his eyes. "It is even more a part of us than I had ever dreamed."

"I like it. I like it a lot," Kirk chuckled, thinking back on what had started him on this road of discovery.

"You are amused?"

"I just remember how surprised I was when Sator asked me why I hardly ever touched you."

"He asked you this?" Spock queried, his eyebrows on the rise.

"Yeah. It was right after that episode on the bridge we talked about. I didn't mention it?"

"No, you did not."

"He said that as the healer on board, he felt it was his duty to make sure there was nothing wrong with our bond. I explained to him why I didn't. He was really taken aback. I think he wondered how we had managed, but he didn't say anything."

"No, he would not."

"Anyway, I started noticing how Stenn and T'Para reacted to each other on the bridge. It wasn't anything overt, but they certainly didn't try and hide what they are to each other. They would touch, just for a moment. Or look at each other in a way that I could tell they were communicating somehow. Haven't you ever noticed?"

Spock thought a moment before responding. "Yes, I had noticed. But I did not know if such behavior was something that was expected between bondmates, or only their own preference. Like so much else, it was information I was never privy to while still on Vulcan, and I could not bring myself to ask."

"Well, I did, in a roundabout way. One day Stenn and I were in the mess, and I mentioned something to the effect that Sator and T'Mala didn't seem to have that much contact with each other, you know, physically. He looked at me oddly, but then probably assumed that, being human, I could be excused my ignorance. He told me because Sator is a healer, he needed to be more 'closed' when around other people or he'd pick up on too much during any accidental contact. But it effectively distanced him from his own bondmate, too."

"That is correct."

"So I figured Stenn and T'Para must be the norm, which Stenn pretty much verified."

"And so you began to touch me when we were in the presence of others." Spock's voice vibrated with contentment.

"Uh huh. After a while, I started feeling this." Kirk motioned to his forehead.

"The bond strengthening, changing. I am somewhat at a loss, however, as to why I did not notice it."

"Maybe because it's so much a part of being Vulcan. _I_ didn't notice when I first came to love you more." They stopped near an open glade, the sky and trees and flowers showing nature in all its glory. Their gazes locked for a moment before Kirk turned away, pretending a composure he was far from feeling. "I don't remember any of this beauty being in the first report. I wonder why."

"Perhaps because it was made by Vulcans?" Spock favored him with a small smile. "I do not think any of the original survey party would have been enticed to merely 'take in the scenery.'"

"Well, their loss. I think we should seriously think about buying a small chunk of this place once they open it for colonization."

"That could be years, Jim. Even longer if you do not allow me to finish taking my readings."

"Reprimand noted. We're almost back to where we started. I'll let you get back to your work then. Deal?" Their hands still entwined, they continued their walk. They had several days to check out the planet, but chances were that he would not beam back down. He knew when duty called. It had been an idyllic break for both of them and he would not chastise himself for taking it.

^^^^^

Just as Kirk figured, he never did make it back to the planet. Four days later they broke orbit, heading back to Vulcan for a three-week layover. He was on his way to meet Spock for dinner when he first noticed the headache. Nothing too bad, just enough to be irritating. He tried to ignore it as he entered the mess hall. Spock was sitting at their usual table, picking at his meal as he diligently perused the latest reports from the planet.

"Anything I should know?" Kirk sat across from his bondmate, a small bowl of soup his only concession to dinner.

Spock looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Is that all you are having?"

"I'm not very hungry. Besides, I've been so inactive, this is about all I should have." Kirk looked around, noticing that they had the room to themselves. "Where is everyone?"

"Sator wished to have all the data catalogued as soon as possible. In all probability, we are the only ones not taking part."

"Is it really that important? We've got a week to Vulcan."

"You are aware of Vulcan tendencies. You yourself have spoken of them on occasion. 'Anal retentive' is the phrase I believe you used."

Kirk grinned. "You, of course, aren't that way, right? You don't what to join them, do you?" The hesitancy in Spock's eyes was answer enough. "All right, go ahead. I guess I can spend one night alone. Can you at least stay and finish dinner?"

"I will not be all night. It should not take more than four point six hours to complete the data. I have time to finish my meal and still return to our cabin by eleven hundred hours."

"You really like it here, don't you?"

"Here?" Spock frowned in puzzlement.

"Here, on this ship. You've really blossomed."

"If by that you mean that I have found my time here productive, you are correct."

"I'd say it's more than that. Admit it. You've enjoyed being able to do so much research, having the time to really give it your full attention."

The Vulcan looked slightly abashed, as if upset that his enthusiasm had been so obvious. "It has been…most gratifying."

"I'm glad. I never thought things would work out so well for either of us. We have the ship, a good crew…and each other. It's been good here."

"Yes, it has." Spock reached over, taking Kirk's hand in his. The unusual dampness startled him. "Are you not feeling well?"

Kirk pulled his hand away, passing it over his brow. "Just a headache. I've had worse. Forget it and eat your dinner."

"I do not have to go."

"No, I'll be fine. Probably take a shower and then read awhile. Maybe turn in early. I feel kind of run down, anyway."

"How long have you been feeling this way?"

"The last day or two. Been trying to do too much I guess. It's funny, all the trouble McCoy had trying to keep my weight down. All I had to do was try to keep up with a ship full of Vulcans and it's no problem at all." He started in on his soup, even though he had noticed recently that nothing tasted good.

The Vulcan watched him, his concern obviously growing. When he saw Kirk eating heartily, he began his own meal, throwing glances at his bondmate every now and again. They passed the rest of the time in companionable silence, the Vulcan way during meals. When they finished, Spock broached the subject again. "Jim…I do not have to go. If you are not well…."

"Quit worrying so much. It's nothing. See? I even ate everything."

Spock reluctantly rose and began to head for the lab, turning back for a brief moment at the doorway before finally exiting the room.

As soon as the doors swished closed, Kirk leaned forward, put his elbows on the table, and laid his head in his hands. The headache was getting worse. Deciding that maybe a hot shower and bed was the best thing for him, he headed for their cabin.

Later, lying in bed, he was pleased to find that the shower had helped. He felt better, the headache receding to a dull ache. He waved the lights down and, pulling the covers up, gave in to the lethargy overtaking him.

^^^^^

"That is the last of the test results. Everything is in order and ready for our arrival on Vulcan. The VSA will be pleased with the results from this last survey." Sator finished putting away the equipment. They had completed another survey without incident, the vast amount of information they had gathered, catalogued. He, T'Lena and Spock had stayed to clean up, and the chronometer showed it was almost one hundred hours.

"I will leave you now. Sleep well Sator, T'Lena." Spock headed for the door. It had taken longer than he had originally calculated, and he wanted to get back to his bondmate as soon as possible. He was almost to the turbolift when he heard someone call his name.

"Spock, may I have a word with you?" T'Lena walked quickly up to him.

He stopped and turned, surprised at his irritation for the delay. "What it is?"

"If it is inconvenient…."

"No. Please, what did you wish to speak of?" He was being foolish. His concern for his bondmate was unfounded. Jim was probably asleep and would most likely not even awaken when Spock got there.

"I wish to speak to you of a private matter. Is there somewhere we could go?"

"The briefing room is empty, I am sure. We can speak there." He led her to the room located just up the corridor from the labs. As he had assumed, it was vacant and he took a seat at the table, mildly curious.

She sat in the chair next to him, pulling it around to face him directly. "Spock…I wish to speak to you about…a bonding."

"A bonding? Whose bonding do you wish to speak of?"

She seemed nervous, holding herself tense as her gaze darted away from him, finally settling on the floor. "Mine…and yours."

He was shocked and felt the first flicker of anger. "Surely you are aware that the captain and I are bonded. And even if we were not, I do not understand how you could speak of this to me."

"Yes, I know you and he are bonded. But it is not logical that, given an opportunity to replace your current bond with one that would allow you to have offspring, you would not do so. I know that after my sister rejected you, you would have been in need of a…receptacle. Someone close by and available. He has served his purpose. His promiscuity is well known. He would have no trouble finding another to bed and you would be free to—"

"Enough!" Spock stood up, his arms rigidly at his side, his hands clenched. "Do you believe that I hold him in so little regard that I would abandon him for another? Who are you to decide what is and what is not of worth?"

She looked up at him, puzzled. "It is not only I. Many of our people have wondered at your reasons for bonding with him. He is inferior to you in every way. You are known as one of the premier intellects of our planet, and it is your duty to have offspring."

"You and your sister are of a kind. It would not occur to either of you that there is much to James Kirk that you know nothing of. Whom I am bonded to is no one's business but my own. If there are those who can not understand, it is not up to me to enlighten them." He moved away from her, heading out of the room.

"Wait!" The force of her entreaty stopped him. "I do not understand. He is human. Surely, he would not be damaged if the bond was to be broken. Why would you desire to stay with him?"

He breathed deeply, trying to still his rage. The beauty of the spontaneous bonding of his and Jim's minds was more than he was willing to discuss with this presumptuous woman. "What he and I have is not up for discussion. Suffice to say that I have no intentions, now or ever, of leaving him. You will never speak of this again. Do you understand?" He waited for her reply.

Her bearing was defiant as she coldly gave her answer. "I understand."

He left then, trying as he walked through the corridors to reign in his anger. Jim must never know of this. His bondmate was a forgiving man but neither of them could be counted on to remain rational if they perceived a threat to their bond.

When he entered their cabin it was to find that Kirk had fallen asleep on Spock's side of the bed. He undressed and slid in next to him, wrapping him in his arms as he moved him over to his own side. It had been Kirk's way from almost the beginning. Whenever Kirk retired first, Spock would find him as he had tonight, firmly ensconced on the Vulcan's side. He waved the lights up slightly, propping up on one elbow as a desire to watch his bondmate sleep overtook him. There was no way he could have explained to anyone what this man meant to him, how he had changed his life and made him whole. He leaned over and placed a kiss on Kirk's cheek before lowering the lights once more and pulling the smaller man to him.

^^^^^

Kirk woke to a pounding headache and a stomach in revolt. Barely making the commode, he wretched out his dinner, his body shaking from the spasms. The rap on the closed door momentarily drew his attention from his misery. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Jim, let me in."

"No. Go away, Spock. I'll be all right." He didn't want anyone to see him like this, even Spock, and had managed to lock the door on his way in. He preferred being sick in private. He fell to his knees where, his stomach empty, he was wracked by dry heaves.

"You are not all right. Let me in."

"Oh god." He groaned. "Okay, hold on a minute." When Kirk was sure he could make it, he staggered to his feet, swaying slightly as he made his way to the door to unlock it. Spock was there to grab him as he started to fall, his legs giving out at the last moment.

"Why do you insist on pretending you are not ill when it is obvious that you are?" Spock guided him back to the bed, where he curled into a ball, shivering under the covers pulled over him.

"It's just an upset stomach."

"It is not just an upset stomach. You are obviously in great pain. There is something seriously wrong. I am going to call Sator." He tucked the blankets around the quaking body and moved to the intercom at the desk, his concern deepening when Kirk began to moan quietly.

Kirk couldn't make out what was being said, the words a blur of sounds. He felt awful and the pain seemed to be getting worse. His insides felt like they were tying themselves in knots and he could hardly focus. "Spock," he gasped out. "Spock, please, tell him to hurry."

"He is on is way. Hold on, t'hy'la." He rushed back to Kirk's side, holding him as the human began to thrash about, his cries of pain getting louder. By the time Sator entered their cabin, Kirk was barely conscious, his body jerking violently in the Vulcan's arms.

The healer ran his medical scanner over the human, almost frowning as he watched the readings. "Nothing is showing up. It is as if there is nothing wrong with him."

Spock fought the panic building inside him. "There has to be something. Sator, he is so ill. You must help him."

'We will take him to sickbay. I will be able to gather more data there." He stepped aside as Spock gathered up his bondmate, carrying him as easily as a he would a child. The human's hair was plastered to his head and his breathing was fast and shallow.

"Spock, not all of our medical equipment was re-calibrated for humans before we left Vulcan. There is the possibility that I will not be able to diagnose the problem."

Spock continued out of the room and down the corridor, his fears mounting—not only for the man in his arms, but for the ship. He considered the disquieting notion that the ship could end up without anyone in command, should Kirk's illness begin to bleed though their bond. He quickened his pace.

^^^^^

The rec room was almost empty, the time between shifts taking most of the crew elsewhere. Uhura and Sulu were sitting at a corner table, their heads close together when McCoy and Mr. Scott made their appearance. "Maybe we should say something." She gave her lover a pleading look.

"I don't know. It might be too soon. We really don't know if this will make any difference." Sulu watched the two men get coffee and head for another table. Like pretty much everyone on board, they seemed preoccupied. "I don't think we should. What if it doesn't pan out? They'll both be really disappointed."

"Will it be any worse than how they feel right now? Look at them." She continued to gaze toward the other table. "I feel worse for them than for anyone else. Especially McCoy. Let's go over there. We can decide after we find out what their plans are, okay?"

Sulu shook his head, laughing ruefully. "Okay, you win. But don't be surprised if it ends up making them feel worse if things don't work out."

They rose as one and walked over to the two seated men, sliding in on either side.

"You two look like you could use some cheering up." Uhura gave them a smile, nudging McCoy in the ribs at the same time.

McCoy grinned sardonically. "That bad, huh?"

"Let's just put it this way, you both look like someone died." She blinked. "No one did, did they?"

"No, nothing that severe. We were just talking about what we're going to do at the end of the mission. It's less than a month away." McCoy looked around the room. "It's like a morgue in here. It's that way all over the ship. Ever since…."

"Don't ye start, McCoy. We all miss the lads but there's nothing we could have done. It's been over a year anyway, and we have to figure out what we're going to do with the rest of our lives now." The Scotsman grew silent.

"What are you going to do, Doctor? Are you planning on visiting the captain and Mr. Spock?" She fell silent at McCoy's slight wince, the pain radiating from his eyes. Had anyone stopped thinking of Kirk as their captain?

"I'm not sure. The last tape I got from Jim was almost five months ago. They were heading back to Vulcan for a few weeks but after that…I don't know. They're probably out on another mission by now."

"No, they're not," Sulu spoke up. "They've been on Vulcan for the last four months."

McCoy stared at him. "How do you know that?"

The helmsman's gaze slid over to his lover. "Well, I guess we'll have to tell them now."

"Tell us what? Is something wrong with Jim or Spock?" Both hesitated, and the doctor felt like shaking both young people. "For Christ sake, say something, one of you. What do you know about them?"

Uhura hesitated. "All right, but you've got to promise to not say a word. To anyone. If this got out, it could be both our heads." She threw a glance at Sulu. "Hikaru and I have been working…behind the scenes if you will, since right after the trial. We've discovered that there was a lot more to what happened to them than meets the eye."

"Go on." McCoy's full attention was on her.

"It seems that Komack paid several people a lot of money to get something on the captain. Somehow, don't ask me how because that's one thing we haven't been able to figure out, he found out about the captain and Mr. Spock. That they were lovers. After that, it was a simple matter of being in the right place at the right time. The inspection was set up when they would most likely…be in bed together." She blushed slightly. "Komack made sure there would be witnesses. Witnesses who would have no reason to lie."

"But why? Because of the side trip to Vulcan? I can't believe that he would destroy Jim just for that." McCoy shook his head. "No, there's got to be more to it than that. Besides, what difference will it make? Jim and Spock did break regulations."

"We know that," Sulu cut in. "But we still want to try and figure out what happened, and why. Nyota and I have decided to take the positions offered us at the Academy. Whatever went on, that'd be the best place to find out. Komack's office is in the same complex. And maybe, just maybe, we'll learn enough for Starfleet to rethink what happened, find some kind of loophole to allow them to come back."

McCoy looked from one to the other. "You two are something else. Here we've been moping around, feeling sorry for ourselves, and you went out and did something about it." He brightened suddenly. "I guess the least I can do is find out what's with Jim and Spock, why they're staying on Vulcan."

"That would be a grand idea, Leonard," Scotty happily joined in. "I think I'll be doing some snooping of my own. I've been offered the job of overseeing the Lady's overhaul. I might as well take them up on it. There'll be plenty of opportunities to look under a few rugs."

Later, walking back to sickbay, McCoy felt better than he had in a long time. It was amazing. All this time those two had been hard at work, risking their own careers for the two men they all admired so much. Was it asking so very much of him to put aside his pride and go to Vulcan?

^^^^^

"He'll be here tomorrow." Kirk lay against his bondmate, stroking the soft hair on Spock's chest, his head resting on his shoulder. The room was dark except for the soft glow of starlight flooding in through the wall of windows. "What are we going to do?"

"I do not know. Perhaps he will only wish to stay a day or two. That would be safe, would it not?" Spock caressed Kirk's back, running his fingers up and down his spine.

Kirk turned, propping himself up on his elbows so that he could see the Vulcan's face. "I really don't know. It's been almost four weeks. It'd be cutting it close, but what else can we do? I can't send him away, Spock."

"How do you feel?"

"Okay, right now. I can't always tell beforehand. Sometimes…sometimes it happens so fast. One minute I'm fine, the next…." He looked away, staring out into the night sky. "I don't want him to see me that way." His body's total revolt could be frightening in its swiftness, or a cruel delusion of respite for the unwary as it slowly built. The confusion and loss of appetite that signaled the beginning of an attack was followed by a headache, and nausea that quickly turned to vomiting as both his respiratory and digestive systems went haywire. Breathing became difficult, and the headache would grow to blot out the rest of the world, the only exception the fire that raged in his gut. But what made him shudder was the thought of what he would be forced to endure, after all that, to survive.

"He loves you. He would not think less of you for it. How could you think that?"

"I know he wouldn't. It's not that. I…I just feel so helpless, so out of control." He looked down, his gaze riveted on the Vulcan, his voice almost pleading. "I want to make love, Spock, before it happens again. I need to know you'll be here waiting for me."

Spock pulled the human hard against him, kissing him almost violently on the lips and throat, grabbing at the smaller body and molding it against his own. "I will always wait for you. No matter what happens, I will always wait for you."

There were no more words. Spock rolled them over, reversing their positions and pulling back from their embrace to sit at the human's side. Kirk spread his legs, watching through half-shuttered eyes as the Vulcan moved to kneel between them. Hot hands caressed him, his body coming alive at the touch. He moaned, thrashing his head slowly back and forth on the pillow, his cock filling as his bondmate continued to explore him with mouth and hands. He felt the nip of teeth and the rasp of tongue against a nipple, Spock working from one to the other and then slowly down his body. Softly biting and sucking the sensitive skin of his abdomen, he teased at Kirk's engorged organ, never quite touching. Finally, his hips were captured and lifted, his cock engulfed in the moistness of Spock's mouth. It was so good, the wet and the heat, the pull on his organ as he was sucked. He arched into it, pleading without words for _oh god yes, that,_ as his buttocks were parted by probing fingers. His penis was abandoned as the Vulcan shifted down, his tongue plunging into his anus. Kirk moaned louder, bracing his shoulders and clutching at the sheet.

Placing his feet on Spock's shoulders, he tried pushing away, wanting the feel of a deeper penetration, but the laving continued until he was whimpering with need. When it seemed he could take no more, he was entered, filled with the hard cock in one sure stroke. He screamed out, struggling to impale himself more fully on the alien heat.

They pummeled against each other, forgetting all else in their passion to be one. There was only the here and now, only their minds and bodies coming together in perfect union. The shared orgasm was like a summer storm, overpowering in its intensity and leaving them trembling in its wake.

As their bodies calmed, they barely managed to position themselves for sleep. Kirk snuggled up against the warmth of his love, wishing they could stay like this forever. "And I'll always come back to you. I promise, I'll always come back."

^^^^^

Damn, it was hot. Leave it to Jim and Spock to buy a home situated on the only butte within miles. Perched on a small plateau, the walk up was on a steep, winding path. The aircar had deposited him as close as it could, his luggage left in a pile, but it was still a good fifty-yard walk. McCoy picked up the smallest valise, ready to start cussing them both out, when the front door open.

They walked toward him, Jim hurrying ahead. He reached McCoy and, throwing his arms around him, took him in a bear hug. "Bones, it's great to see you." He pulled back, holding the doctor at arm's length. He turned and looked at Spock as the Vulcan approached them. "Doesn't he look great, Spock?"

Spock gave a noncommittal nod of his head. "You appear well, Doctor. I presume your journey was a pleasant one."

 _Same ol' Spock_. "It wasn't bad." He peered up at the house. "Think you could have picked one any harder to get to?"

Kirk acted puzzled. "It's not hard to get to. Why didn't you call and just transport down from the ship?"

"Jim, I left the ship over a week ago. I got to Vulcan by shuttle. We talked about it, remember?"

"He has been quite busy. It obviously slipped his mind. Is that not right, Jim?" Spock was looking at Kirk but McCoy had the oddest feeling that the Vulcan's attention was focused on him.

Kirk looked from one to the other, confusion flitting across his face. "I, uh…it has been kind of hectic around here."

"Jim? You all right?" This wasn't at all the man he remembered. He seemed distracted, unable to focus.

"Sure, Bones. I'm fine. Been overdoing it a bit, that's all. Come on. Let's go inside. We'll get you settled in your room and then I want to show you around." He grabbed for one of McCoy's suitcases but was intercepted by Spock.

"I will bring them in. You must play host to the good doctor." A strange looked passed between the two men before Kirk finally entwined his arm in McCoy's and led him toward the house.

The house was beautiful…and hot. How did Jim stand it? It was cooler than outside but not by much. By the time McCoy had stowed his gear and been given the grand tour, the only thing he still wanted was a shower. "You've really outdone yourselves." They were standing in the master bedroom, what Kirk had described as "the best for last." "I never would have pictured you two being so…domestic."

"It's our home." Kirk's irritation showed in an edge to his voice.

"Calm down, Jim boy. It's a great place. It's just…I guess I'm just not used to seeing you in this kind of setting."

"Jim is very proud of the work we have done here." Spock drew the doctor's piercing gaze away from Kirk. "Dinner will be ready within the hour. Perhaps you would like to freshen up, McCoy."

"Sure, sounds like a good idea. I'll be down as fast as I can. I need to get squared away." Not knowing what else to say, McCoy started to walk out, stopping when Kirk called out to him.

"I'm glad you're here, Bones."

The doctor sighed. He hadn't realized how difficult it would be to reunite the threads of their friendship. "I know. I'm glad to be here, too. See you in a bit."

Kirk's smile followed him as he made his way to the room they had set up for him. It, at least, was air-conditioned. That was just one piece of the puzzle McCoy worked at as he showered and got ready for dinner. Why did they keep the house so hot? Kirk had seemed normal…most of the time. But every once in a while, he would slip. McCoy couldn't put his finger on what exactly was the problem, but he would lay odds that there was a problem. They both were edgy around him, for one. Maybe they were all just trying too hard, but he didn't think so. He finished getting ready and departed from the room, instantly missing the lower temperature.

^^^^^

"So that's how we managed to get by the beast." Kirk shook his head, laughing. "You haven't lived until you've seen a bunch of Vulcans trying to explain how they all got treed by one measly animal." He had been regaling McCoy with stories all through dinner.

The doctor was holding his sides, tears practically running down his face. "Stop it…you're killing me." He finally got himself under control enough to get a whole sentence out. "Why the crew didn't mutiny on you is anyone's guess. I hope they finally got your number."

"That's the best part, Bones. Even T'Mala never really caught on, and she's about the smartest person I've ever known, except Spock, of course." He smiled at his bondmate across the table. "I think they all think I'm slightly off, to be truthful."

"It all sounds great. You two must have had a wild time. So why haven't you gone back out?"

Kirk spoke up quickly. "We will. I wanted some modifications made to the ship. Besides, we brought back so much raw data that the VSA has all it can handle for a while. It's not like we don't have anything else to do, Bones. There's the house and…other things."

"We are content here, Doctor," Spock chimed in. "Not everything we do is centered on life aboard a ship. We have time."

McCoy looked from one to the other. That didn't sound right, but he let it pass. "What say I get the bottle I brought for this special occasion and we have a few?"

"Sure. You go get it and we'll meet you in the den. You'll love the view." He and Spock left to wait for him there while the doctor ran upstairs.

"Here it is. Latest shipment of Romulan Ale." McCoy stepped into the room, carrying a large bottle filled with the blue liquid. "Hope you don't plan on getting me up early. This stuff is going to put us all down, mark my words." He stopped, surprised. Kirk looked like an invalid, the size of the chair he was sitting in making him look smaller than normal. He mentally shook himself, wondering why he would imagine something like that. "Where are the glasses?"

"Here, Doctor." Spock took the bottle and walked over to a good-sized bar across the room.

"Boy, you were right about the view." The lights of Shi'Kahr shone beneath them. McCoy strolled over to the large window, taken by the panorama spread below.

"That's nothing. You should see it at night from our bedroom. It faces the other way and all you can see are stars." Kirk was still seated, but seemed more animated. "Sometimes, I just lie there and look out for hours at a time. It really helps to past the time when—"

"Here is your drink."

Spock appeared abruptly at McCoy's shoulder and the doctor turned in surprise. "Don't do that, you pointy-eared Vulcan." He took the drink, suddenly mad. "What were you saying, Jim?"

"Nothing. I…it wasn't anything. Where's mine, Spock?" He got up, going to his bondmate's side and taking the other drink. "How about a toast?" He put his arm around Spock's waist, turning to the doctor. "To friends and lovers." He slugged down the drink.

"Jim, don't." Spock tried to move him back to his chair, but Kirk was oddly agitated, moving instead toward the bar and refilling his glass.

"Don't be a party pooper, Spock. We don't have guests very often." For a moment, Kirk look defeated. "I wonder why that is?" But then he grabbed his and Spock's glasses and walked determinedly back to the window. Carrying the bottle of liquor under his arm, he pulled it out as he rejoined them and refilled McCoy's glass. "Here. Drink up." He shoved his bondmate's glass at him. "You, too. Let's party 'til the cows come home."

Three hours later, the doctor wondered if he had fallen into someone's bad dream. The drink had loosened Kirk's tongue in a way it never had before. He kept alluding to "the problem" and "the treatment," but every time McCoy asked what he was referring to, Spock would manage to step in, changing the subject or talking around it. As the night progressed Kirk became more erratic, going from willfully manic to sorrowfully conciliatory and back again. When he started hanging on Spock, embracing and kissing him, McCoy knew it was time to call it a night. "Think I'll turn in now. Don't want to be too hung over tomorrow. You said something about going to see Spock's parents."

"Come on, Bones, it's early. We have a lot of time to make up for. And I can handle it, can't I, Spock?" Kirk's words were almost a challenge.

"Jim, stop this." Spock grabbed Kirk's hand. "The doctor is right. If we wish to get an early start, we should retire now." He managed to get the recalcitrant human up the stairs and they parted company with McCoy at the landing.

McCoy entered his room and closed the door. It was a relief in more ways than one. His clothes were heavy with perspiration, and watching Kirk get intimate with the Vulcan had been embarrassing. He took a long shower and then climbed into bed. He wasn't really drunk and it was early, but there wasn't a whole lot else to do. After tossing and turning for almost an hour, he finally gave up and waved on the lights. Some warm milk and a good book would probably do the trick. He slipped out of his room and was at the top of the stairs when he heard someone cry out. The sound was coming from Jim and Spock's room. Without thinking about it, he tiptoed over to the door. _They're probably going at it, you fool._ Still, he couldn't let it go and, leaning close, strained to hear.

"Make it stop. Damn it, make it stop." He was sure it was Jim. What the hell was going on?

"Now? You wish it now?" Spock. Angry? Worried? It was hard to tell. The voices were muffled and he was unable to make out all they said.

"I don't care—I want you to—tomorrow." Kirk's voice sounded choked, like he was having to force out the words.

"Let me—please, t'hy'la—for you."

"No—make him—I need—"

There was a scuffling noise and someone started toward the door. McCoy hurried away, not understanding what he had just heard. But one way or the other, he was going to find out.

^^^^^

When McCoy ventured out of his bedroom the next morning he was surprised to hear voices coming from downstairs. After last night, he hadn't thought either one of the two men would be up early. He walked down the stairs, heading toward the sounds coming from the kitchen. He stopped at the entrance and leaned against the archway. To McCoy's confusion, Spock was alone. "Morning, Spock. Surprised to see you down here."

Spock looked up from the tray he was preparing, startled. His discomfort in the doctor's presence seemed stronger now. "Good morning, Doctor. I hope you slept well." He continued to load the tray down. Coffee, juice and an assortment of pastries were only the beginning.

"Where's Jim? I thought I heard you talking to someone." He continued into the room, pouring himself some coffee from the carafe on the counter.

"You must have heard the vidscreen. I was checking on the weather conditions." The Vulcan fidgeted with the silverware, adding and then removing a plate of cut fruit. "Jim…is still in bed. He is not feeling well and wished me to convey his apologies. He will not be joining us…today."

"Why don't you let me check him out? I am a doctor, or don't you remember that?"

"No…that is not necessary. It is a headache, nothing more. But he does not want to spoil your visit. He wishes you to visit my parents. Perhaps we will join you later."

"I think I'd rather stick around here, if you don't mind. Jim's headaches have a habit of turning into real bears. He might need something more than you—"

"No. We insist that you go. If Jim's condition worsens, I will not hesitate to inform you." Spock picked up the tray, trying to get around the doctor, who had planted himself between the Vulcan and the kitchen doorway.

"Stop right there, Spock. I know something's going on and I want to know what it is. You and Jim have been acting mighty strange ever since I got here and I'm not leaving until you tell me what it is."

"There is nothing 'going on.' You are imagining things, Doctor. Now, if you would please step out of the way—"

McCoy grabbed the tray, trying to take it away. The suddenness of the action startled the Vulcan and his grasped loosened. Momentum sent the tray flying, its contents crashing to the floor, food and liquid spattering everywhere. For a moment, there was only stunned silence. Finally, the doctor found his voice. "I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't realize…."

Anger flared in the dark eyes as the last of Spock's patience fled. "You are always 'sorry.' You come into our home, acting as if you had the right to know everything we do, everything we are, and all you can think to say is that you are 'sorry.' It is no longer enough. We are not your patients, Doctor. You are not the CMO of our ship, with power to pry into our lives. We are not your private theater, to watch or rearrange as you see fit. I told Jim this would occur. We argued. Does that not please you?"

Stung by the words, McCoy lashed back, "I don't think I own you. You can try to mask it behind righteous indignation but I know something's wrong. Where'd you ever get the idea that I'd just buy your crap and slink away on my belly? There's something wrong. I've known Jim Kirk for a long time and there's no way last night was normal for him."

"Why, because he showed affection for me? That disturbs you, does it not? You have still not come to terms with what we are to each other."

"That's not it and you know it. Maybe it did bother me at first. Hell, it'd bother anyone, finding out the way I did. Don't try to use that as a smokescreen." He turned, starting for the stairs. Something was terribly wrong. Even Spock was acting abnormally.

The Vulcan had never moved so fast. He grabbed McCoy, shoving him against the wall and pinning him with both hands. "You will not bother him. I forbid it."

"You forbid it? What the hell's the matter with you?" McCoy watched Spock's tenuous hold on his emotions slip further as the lines of strain cut deep into the Vulcan's face. "Spock, what it is?"

"You will leave. Now." Spock grabbed the doctor by the arm, propelling him towards the door. "I will have your things sent to the Terran embassy." He opened the door, blocking the way to the stairs.

McCoy had no choice but to retreat, walking out to stand at the start of the walkway. "You're not fooling anyone, Spock."

"An aircar will be called for you." He hesitated a moment. "I do not wish to harm you, Doctor. Do not push me into an action I may regret."

McCoy watched as the door was closed on him, stunned at the swiftness of his ejection. Somewhere in that house, Jim was hurting. He knew that as well as he knew his own name. _This isn't over, Spock. Not by a long shot._ He gathered himself and slowly walked down the path away from the house.

^^^^^

McCoy stumbled into the hotel room, hot, tired and fighting mad. The wait for the aircar had seemed an eternity out in the baking sun, and he had had plenty of time to go over the scene with Spock. The Vulcan had been insistent on his leaving the house, even before their argument. The trip to Spock's parents hadn't been cut in stone and, besides, he had come to visit them, not Sarek and Amanda. The hardest part to deal with was the idea that Jim might have wanted him out of the house, too.

He needed a shower and something to eat before tackling the problem with his friends. He ordered breakfast, sent a message to the embassy, and went in for a shower. By the time he was finished, his luggage had already shown up. Spock hadn't lost any time. He dressed and settled down to eat, going over any messages that might have been forwarded to him. Sure enough, there were two. He returned the one to Scotty first.

"Leonard, I'm glad ye called. Sulu's been trying to get in touch with ye all morning. He told me no one was answering at the captain's and Mr. Spock's."

"I'm not there, Scotty." He grimaced. How was he supposed to explain this? "Spock and I had a…falling out this morning. I'm staying at a hotel in town."

"A falling out. What'd ye do?"

"What do you mean, what'd I do? Why do think it was me? Never mind, it's a long story. I'll tell it to you sometime. Right now I what to know what's going on. Why was Sulu looking for me, anyway?"

"Tis Komack. The man's been arrested." The Scotsman couldn't keep the grin off his face.

"No kidding? What happened?"

"Well, I've not got all the details. Seems it had something ta do with Daystrom and the M5. Komack was behind the whole deal. When it fell through, he lost a bundle, money that wasn't his to begin with."

"Starfleet's?" At the engineer's nod, McCoy gave a low whistle. "That takes nerve, or stupidity, depending on if you get caught or not."

"Aye, anyway, I think ye need to give Sulu a call. There was something else but he didn't get into it. He and Uhura were leaving for a meeting. He said he would get back to me but ye might give him a try."

"Yeah, I'll do that. Call me later if you get hold of him."

He cleared the terminal and tried Sulu's residence. No one answered so he left a message and then tried Uhura's. She answered almost immediately. "Doctor, where have you been? We've been trying to get hold of you."

"I know, I know. It's a long story. What's up?"

Sulu squeezed into the viewer. "We've done it. Starfleet's going to review Captain Kirk's and Mr. Spock's trial. Seems there's been a lot of bad publicity regarding their discharge. Add to that the fact that Komack set the whole thing up…."

McCoy was overwhelmed. This was something he had prayed for for so long. "When? When will they let them come back?"

"Hold on, Doctor. It's not at that stage yet, but…." A grin spread across his face. "I'd be real surprised if we don't have them back by the time the _Enterprise_ is ready to go out again."

"This is amazing. I just finished talking to Scotty and he filled me in on some of it. Did you find out how Komack knew about them?"

Uhura hesitated. "It was someone on board…a crew member."

McCoy picked up on her reluctance. "Who, Uhura? Who was it?"

"Christine. It was Christine." She was almost crying. "She saw them…together. Where or how, we don't know. It wasn't in the report we got hold of. I'm sorry, Doctor."

Christine. He felt sick. All that time she had carried a torch for the Vulcan. It must have seemed a fitting revenge. "I'm sorry, too. It never occurred to me that she was capable of something like that. I guess that kind of need can drive a person to do just about anything."

"Are you going to tell them?"

"About Christine? I don't know. I doubt it." The way things stood between him and the two men…. "Listen, I need to check a few things out first, but I'd like to be the one to tell them…about the rest, if you don't mind."

Uhura gave him a gentle smile. "We wouldn't have it any other way. Just let us know when you do. It'd be great to see them again. Maybe Hikaru and I can find our way to Vulcan real soon."

"I'll do that. I'm sure once they know, they'll want to thank you in person. 'Bye, you two."

He disconnected, pondering how he was going to manage to get this news to them. He didn't relish being thrown out before he had a chance to tell them. _Hold on a minute._ He fished into his pocket. Sure enough. Spock had been in such an all-fire hurry to get him out of the house he had forgotten about the key card Jim had given him the day before. If he was lucky, he could find Jim before Spock found _him._ He got up and hurried out the door.

^^^^^

The quiet was unsettling. The signal from the key card as he had let himself in seemed startlingly loud. He stood just inside the doorway, waiting for Spock to come barreling down the stairs like an avenging angel. When nothing happened, McCoy started looking around, going from room to room in the expansive house. After searching the entire lower level he ended up back in the entryway, the stairs before him. He started to wonder just how big a fool he was really making of himself when he heard voices coming from upstairs. He raced up, taking two at a time, and stopped at the top of the landing to get his bearings.

"Oh, god, hurry, Spock." The pleading, and then a low moan, sounded from behind the door leading to Jim and Spock's bedroom. McCoy ran over, threw open the door, and froze. The two men were on the bed with Kirk sitting between Spock's legs, held there by his bondmate's arm wrapped tightly around him, the Vulcan's legs locking his in place. Kirk was struggling, as if trying to get away from the hypo Spock was attempting to place against his neck. Either Spock hadn't noticed the doctor or had decided to ignore him because he continued his battle with Kirk, finally getting the hypo in position and releasing its contents.

Kirk stiffened for several seconds and then renewed his struggles, his cries escalating. The Vulcan tossed the empty hypo aside, next to several others scattered on the floor and then, wrapping both arms tightly around him, held onto his bondmate, his face set in a mask of non-emotion.

"Stop it, Spock. Stop it." Released from his shock-induced paralysis, McCoy ran to the bed, adding his strength to Kirk's, fighting to break the hold Spock had on his bondmate.

"McCoy, get away. You have no idea what is being done here." Spock's voice was tight, the only sign that he was feeling anything at all.

"Let him go. What the hell do you think you're doing?" McCoy was having to fight both men. Kirk didn't seem to recognize him and was flailing away at anything within reach. Spock leaned over and shoved, and the doctor went flying across the room, the wall stopping him as he slammed into its rough surface. He slid to the floor, the breath knocked out of him.

Kirk had finally stopped struggling but continued to moan softly, lost in the pain consuming him. "It is over. Please, Jim. It is all over." Spock held his bondmate, tenderly rocking him and speaking softly.

"You going to tell me what's going on now?" Spock looked up and McCoy couldn't remember ever seeing so much emotional pain in anyone's eyes before.

Spock bit his lower lip and McCoy realized that the Vulcan was very near his breaking point. "Leonard, please. Go downstairs. I will join you shortly."

"Why? Can't you at least tell me why?"

"I promise, I will tell you everything. But not now. Jim needs me. Please, Doctor."

"You sure? I could help…." McCoy slowly rose to his feet.

"No. The worst is over. He needs…only to know that I am here."

The doctor looked at Kirk, his heart breaking. Kirk had quieted down some more, his breath shallow and quick, like a child who had just stopped crying. Pulled up against his bondmate, the human had turned and tightened his arms around the Vulcan's waist. He was so thin. And he looked so vulnerable, so helpless. Why hadn't he noticed that? Because Jim Kirk was a master at making people see what he wanted them to see, that's why.

"Just take care of him, okay?" He got up and walked slowly to the door. "Maybe…." He turned back, thinking to offer his help again, but was stunned into silence by what he saw. Spock had pulled Jim completely around, so that the human's head was cradled against his chest. His own head was lowered, his lips pressed onto the golden hair, his eyes closed. McCoy left the room, gently closing the door behind him.

^^^^^

Twenty minutes later, he had almost decided to return to their room when he heard the Vulcan descending. McCoy walked over to the stairs from the position he had been holding at the foyer window, meeting him as he made the bottom step. He grabbed Spock by the arm, leading him toward the den. It gave testimony to Spock's state of mind that the hand was not summarily shrugged off, something not lost on the doctor. Once in the den, McCoy settled him on one of the sofas near the fireplace and, going to the bar, poured each of them a drink. Handing one to the Vulcan, he sat on the couch across from him, unconsciously leaving Kirk's chair empty. "All right, Spock. Spill it."

"I do not…." Spock lowered his head and took a deep breath. After a few seconds he looked up, taking a sip before he spoke. "Five point seven two Terran months ago, we were sent to resurvey a planet in order to forward recommendations regarding the outpost planned for there. Since we were not the first contact, only a secondary scan was thought necessary. Nothing untoward was found. We beamed down, with Jim deciding to accompany us. We collected the data needed and after five days, broke orbit. That night…."

"Go on."

Spock took another sip, almost spilling it. He set the glass down and clasped his trembling hands together. "I had worked in the lab until very late. I returned to our cabin and joined Jim in bed. He had mentioned feeling tired earlier and had complained of a headache; therefore I was concerned. But he seemed fine, so I did not deem it necessary to stay awake. Two hours later, I woke to hear him vomiting. He had locked himself in our bathroom and, at first, would not allow me to enter. I believe it was then that he began to realize just how ill he really was, and he finally unlocked the door." He stopped for a moment, his body rigid, the long months of tension spilling out with his words. "He was so ill, McCoy, in so much pain. I called the healer and we took Jim to sickbay. He could find nothing wrong. The instruments showed that Jim was dying, but they could not tell us why."

"What did it turn out to be?"

Spock stared outward, as if lost in the memories of that awful time. "There is an organism on the planet, a type of retrovirus, that did not show up on the scan. It does not affect Vulcans." His gaze swung over and settled on McCoy. "The first survey ship did not set their scans to register anomalies that could be a threat to humans. Sator was able to modify the diagnostic equipment for Terran norms and isolate it. It took two days." He closed his eyes. "Two days. Two days of hearing Jim cry out in agony, his body slowly being destroyed. I…I believed that I would go insane, having to stand idly by, watching while he struggled for every breath, unable to eat or drink."

McCoy was appalled. The idea that the ship had left port without the medical equipment being set for Terran readings was unconscionable. _Oh, come on, think about it. Remember how it was with Spock?_ He had to admit to himself that the Vulcan had been extremely lucky. He had literally practiced on him.

"Sator didn't find a cure, did he?"

"No. He did not, but he saved Jim's life. He introduced a DNA-altered agent into his bloodstream, and Jim's illness was checked, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, the side effects are severe, and the administering of the drug is painful. You witnessed his reaction as I injected the serum."

"Retroviruses are notoriously hard to control." McCoy knew from experience that it would probably be a while before anyone would be able to come up with something. "So, what now? Who's working on it, someone at the VSA?"

"No one. No one is working on it." Spock's voice was laced with bitterness.

"What do you mean, 'no one'? Someone has to be working on it. He can't live like that."

"Yes, he can. Understand, Doctor. He is the only one in the entire known galaxy who is afflicted with this. Would it be logical to use all the time and funds necessary to find a cure—for only one man? Especially when there are so many others in need of solutions? As painful as the treatment is, it does work, at least as far as keeping him alive. When he has an…episode, both his respiratory and digestive systems are affected. He develops headaches, breathing becomes difficult, and he is unable to retain nourishment. We have found that his tolerance to temperatures lower than that of his body is compromised. The serum you witnessed me administering alleviates all of the symptoms…for a time. But it also has a strong effect on his strength and coordination." The Vulcan shivered, a look of deep and abiding despair on his face. "I find that is the hardest part to deal with. Though it lasts for only a day, sometimes two, I illogically fear that he will not recover. That he will continue to weaken…and die."

McCoy got up and walked over to sit at the Vulcan's side. "But you know that won't happen, don't you?"

Spock turned to the doctor, his breathing starting to hitch, his voice a strangled whisper. "I am aware…I…I know that he will…that he will…." Nothing more came out. He fought to bury the pressure building inside, but it had been held in for far too long, and was now demanding recognition.

McCoy gently wrapped his arms around him, knowing the dam was about to break. The sobs that tore from Spock's throat were deep and harsh, shaking his body as he cried out all the fear and anguish for his suffering bondmate. He grabbed at the doctor, letting go of his emotions in a frenzy of released sorrow.

^^^^^

The sun was high, casting shadows on the floor. Spock stood watching his bondmate. Kirk sat outside, basking in the midday heat on a bench placed under one of the numerous trees that filled the large garden. Spock savored the tea just brewed and did not turn when he heard McCoy enter, waiting instead for the doctor to join him at the window. "I hope you slept well, Doctor."

"Like a baby. What time is it, anyway?" He followed Spock's gaze, seeing Kirk for the first time. "What's he doing?"

Spock turned away, going to the counter to pour McCoy some coffee. "It is ten hundred hours. The heat tends to relieve the pain somewhat, so he is 'making like a lizard,' I believe, was his phraseology." He returned to the doctor's side, handing him the cup.

"Thanks, Spock. Like a lizard, huh? How is he?" He studied the Vulcan. Spock had wept for a long time. Afterwards they had talked. A lot. McCoy had told him about the review board and everything Sulu and Uhura had done to bring it about. The Vulcan had been pleased, but the news had been of secondary importance to releasing the anger and fear built up inside him—at the Federation, at Vulcan…and at him. "And how are you?"

"I am well, and so is Jim. He woke this morning and desired pancakes. He has eaten and will more than likely spend the rest of the afternoon outside."

"Pancakes? Well, I guess he could use the calories." McCoy smiled and then rested his hand on Spock's arm. "It could be a lot worse, you know. In a few days, he'll be good as new."

"Yes, for a while." Spock gave a resigned shrug. "You are right. I should not wish for everything. It is only that…we had so little time."

"What do you mean, so little time? You've been together for almost five years."

The Vulcan turned and took a seat at the table. McCoy sat across from him, waiting. "As friends, yes. But as bondmates, truly as bondmates, no, we have had so very little time."

"Spock." The doctor hesitated. "You know, we talked about a lot of things last night. I think we managed to clear the air between us while we were at it."

"There is something you wish to ask."

"Yeah, I guess there is." He chuckled. "Okay, here goes. Why did you and Jim become lovers? Oh, I know the reasons people usually have to get together but I guess what I mean is, why did you take it so far?"

"You are asking why we bonded."

"In a way. But more than that, why did he…and you, change? I never saw Jim look at another man…ever. I know you two were close, closer than anyone else I'd ever met, if the truth be known. But you took a really big risk…and ended up paying for it."

Spock didn't answer right away, as if unsure of McCoy's reaction. "It was not planned. It simply…happened."

"I don't understand."

"After Vulcan. After my…divorce, Jim and I found ourselves spending more and more time together. We were already close…good friends, and as you have said, closer than anyone else we knew. It seemed only natural that we would want to build on that friendship. We began to have long talks about our lives, what we wanted and expected from the future. Over the next year, it became our habit to seek each other out whenever we were free. And each time we were required to meld, the compulsion became stronger."

"Are you trying to tell me it was your Vulcan mental powers that made you lovers?"

"In a sense. When his body was stolen by Janice Lester, we finally understood what was happening. It was, in fact, the very reason he was able to reverse the transference."

"I don't follow you. I know you melded with him while he was in her body, but what's that got to do with him getting his own back?"

"It is difficult to explain. Our minds were already reaching for each other, leaving both in a unique situation. When Miss Lester transferred their minds, she could not realize that my mind was already drawing his to me. The connection was so tenuous between _her_ body and _his_ mind that it was easily broken by the bond striving to make itself known. The transference was meant to be permanent and would have been if Jim and I had not already been half-bonded," Spock answered, not a little pride showing through his Vulcan mask.

"Well, I'll be. I guess that makes sense." McCoy got up, refreshing the cooling liquid with coffee from the carafe. "So because of that, you ended up bonded."

"Not exactly, and not entirely."

"What then?"

"During the meld, we could both feel the half-formed bond. Our mutual love and affinity had been the catalyst, and the bond was something we now both desired. Two days later, Jim came to my cabin. He walked up to me, placed my hand on his face, and said, 'Bond us.' So I did."

The doctor walked back to the table, sitting down with a look of bewilderment. "You weren't lovers?"

"No. Why would you think that we had been?"

"Are you crazy? Why wouldn't I?"

Spock sat up straight, indignant. "I do not understand your inability to grasp the facts. We were not lovers. We did not plan on becoming lovers."

"You two are as dumb as rock sometimes, do you know that? What did you think would happen? That Jim would continue to jump into bed with any available female that came along? That you would both just go along your merry way as if nothing had changed?"

"Essentially, yes. He, and I, had normally been drawn to woman. There was no reason to assume that would change."

"No reason? No reason? Did it ever occur to either one of you to check with someone? _Like your doctor?"_ McCoy shook his head. "You amaze me. You really do. Spock, don't you know what the bond is for?"

Spock colored. "We understood that I would be drawn to him during pon farr, but assumed that the rest of the time we would continue…as we were. At first…there was no change. We did 'just go along.' But after twenty-one point seven days, Jim came to my cabin. He was nervous and asked if I felt 'different' now that we were bonded. I did not understand what he was referring to and he was reticent to speak of it. Eventually, I convinced him that whatever he told me would not damage our relationship, which seemed to be his main concern. He confessed that he had been having feelings of…desire for me, physical desire."

"Boy, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. I take it you didn't feel the same?"

"No, not at first, but I was willing to…be sexually intimate, to fulfill my responsibilities as his bondmate."

McCoy couldn't help it. He started laughing and couldn't stop. The look of absolute indignation on the Vulcan's face was what finally allowed him to rein in his mirth. "I'm sorry, Spock. I know it's not funny to you, but really. I can't believe Jim would go along with something like that."

"You are correct. He did not…at first. But he was my bondmate, my t'hy'la, and I wished him to be happy. I did not consider allowing him access to my body too high a price to pay. Jim did not agree. He felt that he would be 'using' me. But the draw between us was too great. During a meld, we…lost control. It culminated in a physical joining between us. Though not completely convinced, Jim agreed to an ongoing sexual relationship. However, it…created problems."

"Yeah, I'll just bet. Hey, wait a minute. Now I remember. When you were leaving the _Enterprise_ he started to tell me about the two of you. He mentioned there being a problem, but we were all in such a hurry. The shuttle had just arrived and you were getting ready to board. So what exactly was the problem, if you don't mind saying."

"Since he was unable to resist, we would…be together, but I did not…."

"Get an erection?"

"Yes. It troubled him that I did not desire him in the way he did me, even though I found the experience pleasant. I…enjoyed being near him, holding him. But my lack of response only seemed to exacerbate the problem he was already having over the loss of desire for…anyone else."

"Women."

"Precisely. He became angry and afraid. He feared that he would never again be with someone who felt as he did, who wanted what he wanted. What we did not realize was that because a Vulcan's need of a bondmate is primarily mental, the physical aspects usually take longer to manifest themselves. After twelve point six days I began to feel a reciprocal need. There have been no other problems."

"Until he got sick."

"Until he got sick. Though we had been together while still on the _Enterprise_ , it was only after we left that we discovered a side to our relationship we had never known. Free of all restraint, allowed to be together wherever and whenever we desired, we explored all facets of our lives together, and the bond became as a living thing. It could be as it was meant to be, affecting us and our lives to a degree almost unheard of, even among Vulcans." Spock's tone was almost rapturous. "We were one, Leonard. We knew that loneliness was forever a thing of the past, for both of us. Now…." Spock looked out the window, watching his bondmate. "It has been most difficult, seeing him this way. Knowing that I am unable to help him. He fears these times and puts off the treatment as long as he is able. He says he feels he is losing himself."

McCoy got up and walked over to the door, watching his friend take in the sun. "Spock, I want to help. Would you let me do that? I could stay here on Vulcan, take some of the pressure off of you…and I could work on finding a cure for him, if it's at all possible."

"You would do this?" He got up and stood next to McCoy. "I did not feel I had the right to ask that of you, to ask you to change your entire life for us. But I would be forever grateful, Leonard. If there is any chance that you can help him…."

"We'll never know unless I try." He smiled encouragingly at the Vulcan. "Let me take a look at his records."

Spock quickly pulled them up, allowing McCoy time to read through them. The frown on the doctor's face was not unexpected, but then McCoy started cursing at the machine.

"What it is, Doctor?"

"These records! Who the hell set these up?" McCoy was furiously switching from page to page, lost in the labyrinth of dead ends. "Listen, this is going to take a while. Why don't you see to getting my things from the hotel room?" He didn't even look up.

^^^^^

Spock walked down the path that led to the bench favored by his bondmate. Situated among the large trees that had found root on this unforgiving planet, it played tag with the sun as it arced overhead, throwing its occupant in and out of the welcoming warmth. Spock's step quickened as he approached Kirk and he took his place beside the resting human.

"Are you well?" He asked, his arm going around Kirk to pull him close.

Kirk turned slightly, fitting his back against Spock's chest before answering. "I'm okay. Just tired."

Spock said nothing for a time, simply enjoying the feeling of this man in his arms, grateful that, once more, Kirk had made it through the ordeal.

"What's the matter, Spock?"

"There is nothing amiss. I am merely content to be here with you, in this way."

"It is nice, isn't it?" Kirk looked back, "But you are thinking about something. What is it? Is it what McCoy told you about us being able to go back?"

"He is not sure." He brought his hand up to thread his fingers through Kirk's hair, the soothing motion causing the human's head to fall back against Spock's chest. "Do you wish to go back?"

"I don't know. I guess I'll have to talk to him, get all the details before deciding. What do _you_ want?"

"I do not know." He had thought much about it this morning. After Kirk had awakened, they had made their way down to the kitchen, and he had related all that McCoy had told him in their long conversation through the night. He had reluctantly included his own loss of control, knowing that it was almost impossible to keep anything from his bondmate. Kirk had seemed pleased at his catharsis, and touched by the efforts of his former crew. But Spock could not so easily give up the conflicting feelings he now had about Starfleet. He wasn't totally sure he ever could. And what of the new life they had made for themselves?

"Well, I guess it really doesn't matter at this stage of the game. I'm not going anywhere like this." Kirk closed his eyes. "That feels good."

Spock kissed the top of his head and continued the loving caress. "Jim?"

"Mm, hm?"

"McCoy has asked to stay here, with us, in order to work on a cure."

"I don't know if I can let him do that, Spock."

"Why not?"

"Because he'd be giving up his life for me, with no guarantee that anything would ever come of it."

"But if he could find an—"

"Don't go there, Spock. Please, don't go there."

Spock only held him closer. "Very well. But McCoy will not go peacefully."

"Maybe not. But he'll just have to understand."

"He loves you. He only wishes to help."

"I know, but still." Kirk pivoted in his seat, bringing his legs up and stretching them out on the bench as he made himself more comfortable in his bondmate's arms.

"That is not a convincing argument."

Kirk smiled sleepily. "I'll come up with a better one in a minute."

Spock continued to stroke the golden hair long after Kirk had drifted off to sleep.

^^^^^

McCoy raced out the door, his glance darting around the wide expanse. Where were those two? The last time he saw Spock was hours ago, right after the Vulcan had said something about his luggage being on its way back. Only the delivery of the package from the VSA had finally halted McCoy's frantic search through Kirk's files. He was almost unwilling to believe the horrific evidence he had uncovered.

He now clutched that package protectively as he searched for his friends. He must have gotten turned around, but finally, following a thickly treed path, he saw them up ahead. They were sitting together, Jim nestled in Spock's arms, both asleep.

He slowed, and waited until he had caught his breath before approaching the two.

"Spock?" McCoy whispered the name.

"What is it, Doctor?" Spock's eyes opened, instantly alert.

"Quiet. I don't want Jim to wake up." McCoy pulled a chair nearer to Spock, and sat down, setting the package on the small table that was placed next to the bench.

"Why? What is wrong?"

"Spock…." McCoy lowered his head, as if unwilling to continue.

"What? McCoy, what is it?"

The doctor looked up, shaking his head. "Spock, I don't know whether to be madder than hell, or happier than I've ever been."

"McCoy, if you do not—"

"Jim doesn't have an unknown virus from that planet of yours."

"What are you saying? Sator himself notified me of the findings."

"Well Sator was wrong. Let me rephrase that. Sator was misled. I've seen this virus before. Hell, I cured it."

Spock's eyebrows lifted, hope and disbelief obviously at war. "You are sure of this?"

"I'm positive. It's the same virus that practically decimated Wheeler's. I would have made the connection before, from the symptoms you described, but you sounded so sure about what he had."

"You say Sator was misled. How?"

McCoy threw a glance at his sleeping friend and lowered his voice even more. "Spock, who is T'Lena?"

"She was our yeoman," Kirk said quietly.

"I thought you were asleep," McCoy said indignantly.

"I was, but it's a little hard to sleep with you two hissing over me. Now tell me what's going on." Kirk straightened and brought his feet down to the ground.

"McCoy…Jim, he says he has a cure. He says he can make you well." Spock ran his hand down his lover's arm, and took Kirk's hand in a gentle clasp.

Kirk looked questioningly at him. His thinking was still muddled from sleep, so it took a few seconds for what Spock said to make any sense. "A cure? What are you talking about? There's no cure."

"Yes, there is. That's what I was just going to tell Spock. This T'Lena. What does she have to do with the medical department on your ship?"

"She is a medical resident and Sator's assistant. Why do you ask?" Spock queried.

"Well, I'd get her replaced…and fast."

"I did." Kirk gave a grim smile at Spock's look of surprise.

"That's good. Because she's the reason you've been treated for something you don't have."

"Explain," Kirk snapped.

McCoy shrugged. "It's not something I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt. But usually in a sickbay the grunt work is done by the nurses or, in your case, the resident. Whoever it is, the person has to sign off on it. Things like going through the medical files to cross-reference symptoms, in the hope of finding a match when dealing with something unknown; or doing the slide for the sample of the virus you had contracted. So it'd be really simple for her to switch your slide with something else, something that might have been collected on that planet you were on—and to hide the match to the real cause. Everything about the epidemic on Wheeler's had been downloaded into the medical computer, including the cure. There's no way it could have been missed."

"Wheeler's. We took shore leave there a few weeks before I got sick."

"That fits. The incubation period is pretty long, four to six weeks. Anyway, it's an exact match for what you have. Hell, it's a wonder Sator was able to come up with anything that actually helped you. What I don't understand is how this T'Lena could get away with it. Why wouldn't Sator have double-checked her work?"

"You are thinking as a human, Doctor," Spock intoned. "Sator is Vulcan, and as a Vulcan, it would not occur to him that T'Lena would knowingly falsify Jim's test results, or hide pertinent information."

"Even Vulcans make mistakes, Spock."

"Yes, even Vulcans make mistakes. But T'Lena would have had to make two very big mistakes, on an order that Sator would not believe possible. He took her at face value. She is Vulcan; therefore she would be incapable of errors of that magnitude."

"Why? Why would she do such a thing?" McCoy asked.

"To get me out of the way." Kirk's voice was quiet.

"Jim?" Spock looked cautiously at his bondmate. "What happened between you and T'Lena?"

"Remember the survey right before RP1485? You spent a few nights on the planet."

"I remember."

"I found her in our cabin. In no uncertain terms she let me know that she considered me beneath you, and that she had the perfect bondmate for you as soon as I came to my senses and let you go. Just guess who she had in mind."

Spock lowered his head, seeming unwilling to make eye contact with either man. "I did not believe that she would go so far, even after she approached me about our bond."

McCoy shook his head, "Good grief, Spock. What is it about you? First Christine, and now this T'Lena—"

"Christine?" Kirk cut in. "What about Christine?"

"Um, I wasn't going to tell you, but that's how Komack found out about you two. No one knows how, exactly, but she knew about you being…lovers."

Kirk smiled, ruefully, "And you wonder why I gave up women." He suddenly leaned against Spock, a fine sheen of perspiration on his pallid face.

McCoy scooted closer, his eyes bright. "All right, Jim-boy, no more talk. There's a cure, and I've got it right here. It's going to make you as good as new, so just leave everything to ol' Bones." He opened the package on the nearby table, removing a hypo and several vials of a dark green liquid.

Kirk flinched slightly at the sight of the hypo, but then turned back to Spock, wonder in his eyes. "A cure. I'm going to be cured."

His arm was extended and the sleeve gently pushed up as McCoy talked to him softly all the while. "That's right. Have I ever let you down yet?"

A smile transformed Kirk's face. "No, Bones. You never have."

"Okay, let's get started. The sooner you get over this, the faster we get you back."

The serum felt warm as it entered his body, almost burning. Kirk turned to his bondmate, seeing hesitancy mixed with his joy. "What's wrong?"

"The possibility of being reinstated into Starfleet…."

"And you're still not sure you _want_ to go back, are you?"

"What do you mean, not go back?" McCoy asked, perplexed.

Spock did not answer immediately. "I…I am hesitant to return to the confines of our previous life."

Kirk pondered his lover's words. "There is that. How sure is this, anyway?"

McCoy answered, "Komack's been arrested, and they're looking into the legality of your expulsion from Starfleet, how much he bent the rules to get you two out. That's about all I know." He removed the empty vial from the hypo, replacing it with another.

"So nothing's for sure." He rested his head on the tree behind him, the sun's rays warming him as the serum slowly entered his body. He watched through half-shut eyes as the doctor carefully administered the cure that would give him his life back. McCoy had done it again, pulling a miracle out of his hat. And it had only taken two days. "How soon before I feel normal again?"

"Not long. Three, four days. Maybe a week, considering how long it's had to deplete you. Yeah, I'd give it a week." McCoy removed the last vial and slowly withdrew the hypo from Kirk's arm. "Think you can handle waiting that long?" McCoy's eyes held a teasing light that Kirk had missed.

"Don't have much of a choice. Do you really think he's going to let me do anything?" He pulled at Spock's hand, drawing his bondmate even closer by his side. By his side, "as if he's always been there, and always would be." The words came back to him in a well of emotion. At one time, his entire life had been the _Enterprise,_ his world the narrow confines of his ship. But fate had stepped in and given him the other half of his soul. Wherever he was, as long as Spock was there, he'd be okay. Together, they would find a way back to the stars they loved. Whether or not they returned to the _Enterprise,_ they would be together…always.

He sighed contentedly and thought back on their lives as they had lived them on the _Warrior's Oath._ Spock was right. It would be difficult to give up the total freedom to be what they now were. That freedom, and the acceptance that had come with it, would carry a lot of weight in their ultimate decision. His new ship had much riding in its favor, though a human medical officer would come in handy. He looked back at his friend. "Bones, I was thinking…."

 

Finis


End file.
